Humans are 58% water. Jellyfish are 95% water. Therefore, humans are 61% jellyfish.
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[desert island diary – day 1]
4:15 pm: Got one call out of my cell phone before it died. Now I wait.
5:25 pm: That pizza is definitely free
I delete my mistakes so now my kids live in constant fear.
If that’s what meditation is doing for you, WOW! Mostly, I just get itchy.
I’m just a girl, standing in a public restroom, begging someone, anyone, to install better ventilation
[invention of spaghetti]
Inventor: i made them very long
Wife: they still fit in a pot though right?
Inventor: lol no why
Please send thoughts and prayers to my cats, they shall surely never recover from the sound of the popcorn maker
If anyone is thinking of fighting me, just know I cook bacon topless.
“Bear with me”
-A Russian bear trainer
date: do you like reading?
me: *holding menu upside down* is it spicy?
Before you make fun of older folks, just remember we know where ALL the bathrooms are
Is there also a milkshake that will keep all the boys away from my yard?
You can usually win any arm wrestling contest by simultaneously leaning in for a kiss.
“You’re in no position to be making demands.”
[does a handstand]
“Company helicopter & 2 months extra vacation.”
“Fair enough.
if u hear ur roommate using ur beard trimmer in the bathroom but they come out and look exactly the same u should buy a new beard trimmer
Kylo Ren: I can’t read your mind! How are you resisting me?!
Rey: Occlumency lessons from Professor Snape.
I told my kids their cash and coins are worthless now because they have the Queen and not King Charles on them.
They cried and cried and I’m up $83.
Why are iPhone chargers not called “apple juice”?
Sorry/Not Sorry
my proudest moment has to be when I snuck into a frat party and didn’t kno any of the brothers but I knew they loved having foreign exchange kids at their events so I faked a british accent and said I was from southham(doesn’t exist) then ended up leavin with 2 handles of bacardi
how come kids always get lice but you never hear about adults getting lice. no workplace ever brings the lice inspection lady in to check the office. no one comes home from work like “sorry honey. tim on the fifth floor gave everyone lice again”
ME: i dropped acid almost every day for one year
my son Acid: is that why i can’t do math Dad
[on payphone] Hello New York Times? In every box of tissues there’s a tiny man who feeds the next tissue through the openi— [CIA agents tackle me]
Me, getting murdered: Those had better not be my fabric scissors, buddy.
“Do what your gut says”
– well, right now , its Telling me i need to stop eating Pizza
my kid climbed into the tub fully naked and still I found leaves in there after
me: everything has bluetooth these days
dentist: no ya that’s not normal
“Can you tell me what the second to last letter in the alphabet is?”
“Y”
“So I can make a stupid joke”
Humans are pretty civilized until a t-shirt is being thrown into a crowd.
Mad at your man? Five minutes before he gets home, turn on “Pitch Perfect” then hide the remote in the dishwasher.
When I’m bored, I part my hair down the middle and pretend I’m a Hanson brother