@JohnHilsen: Humans are 58% water. Jellyfish are 95% water. Therefore, humans are 61% jellyfish.
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@collegefession: "My bf and I were having dinner with my family and I asked for my daddy to pass the sriracha my bf and my dad both reached for it" - Harvard
@XplodingUnicorn: Went to a parade. For an hour, bored people on floats waved. For an hour, My 2-year-old waved back. It was the greatest day of her life.
@ilovepie84: I bet when David Hasselhoff gets too drunk he roams the streets screaming "KITT!" When he can't find his car.
@TheMichaelRock: Coworker: Why don't you chat with us in the kitchenette in the morning? Me: Because I'm not paid to be your friend & you say kitchenette.