@JohnHilsen: Humans are 58% water. Jellyfish are 95% water. Therefore, humans are 61% jellyfish.
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@CornOnTheGoblin: [pretends my phone rings while on date] i gotta take this. hello? oh hi [watches date for reaction]... the teenage mutant ninja turtles
@LivibelsDada: Anyone who says having a child is the best moment of their life has obviously never had two mars bars fall out of a vending machine at once.
@uncle_fescue: Buddy: her boyfriend was killed? Me: Yeah, she said he was hung like a horse but I'm like, who even kills horses like that?
@bourgeoisalien: PRESIDENT OBAMA: I pardon this turkey- TURKEY: Nope. I'm ready. 2016 was a shit show. Kill me now