Humans are made up of 70% water so next time you’re thirsty just eat Jeff from accounting.
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Apple is releasing new product information today.
That explains why yesterday my husband said that his watch isn’t staying charged anymore.
*first day as mall Santa
“That’s nice. So, is your mom single?”
ive never seen any flies in the house but this spider is getting fat so how do I tip a spider?
Today sucked so much it featured a guest verse from Pitbull
I hate it when people who are younger than me complain about being old. They’re all like… well, I forget what they say, but it’s still annoying.
My girlfriend asked me to stop impersonating a flamingo. I had to put my foot down.
My hobbies include knitting and leaving one star reviews on recipes when I used different ingredients and different techniqes and it turned out gross.
My gangsta career was brought to an abrupt and tragic end when my homies caught me sipping on a frappucino doing my taxes
My favorite Bible stories are where women are villains for things like picking fruit or getting their boyfriend a better haircut.
is this meant to deter me
the Craigslist guy who sold me a bookshelf today showed me all the staples in his stomach from the surgery he just had. But that’s on me for forgetting to ask him to specifically not do that.
As far as I’m concerned the person who made kids toothpaste sparkly neon blue can go straight to hell. Twice a day I have to clean Smurf vomit from my sink. #smurfvomit #gotohell
Just your annual reminder about this seagull that turned orange after it fell into a container of chicken tikka masala while trying to get a piece of meat from a factory bin. #SpiceGull
When a fancy lady told me she was from an upscale neighborhood, I stared at her, mouth agape and said, ‘Oh shit! I’m so sorry. Are you okay?’ She didn’t like that at all.
It may snow in Atlanta so I just bought 47 loaves of bread and now I’m headed out to the interstate so I can get stranded in a good spot.
I don’t like when they use “late” to describe a deceased person. It’s like give a guy a break on his attendance, he’s dead.
Whenever I watch a home invasion thriller, I’m mostly terrified by how I’ll never be able to afford to own a home.
My husband came into the room said something then got into his car and left. He could be going to the store for milk or running for the Canadian border, I wasn’t listening.
Mistletoe is my favorite Christmas tradition that sounds like a cool as shit superpower.
There are two types of people in this world:
1) Good people
2) People who honk immediately when the red light turns green.
Seven years ago THIS was all we had to worry about.
Sure, I want to find that perfect for me relationship, but experience has taught me it’s probably cupcakes.
Establish dominance over old people by yelling BINGO when you don’t really have it
Schrödinger’s Mom: You have to feed the cat
Schrödinger: Or do I?
me: I need to see the doctor
receptionist: ok, name?
me: I can’t remember but he has gray hair
The healthy food in my fridge should be grateful really. It survives much longer than everything else.
I’m waiting to board my flight at the airport and I just saw a woman finish her book, stand up and angrily throw it in the bin.
I’m just gonna give this to you…and you feel free to do whatever you like with it. Nooooo pressure…
*slides deodorant across the table*
therapist: a lot of my clients are feeling that way right now
me: ok rank us
When I say I’m not like other girls, I mean that I don’t mind bugs or dirt. Otherwise I am exactly like other girls, and yes, I’m still mad about that thing you said in August of 2009.