@ruinedpicnic: Humans pretend to be smart but we still look at the ceiling when we hear a noise upstairs like we're suddenly gonna have x-ray vision
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@Reverend_Scott: Princess Peach: Something's different. You seem taller. Luigi wearing Mario's red overalls: No, nothing is different. It'sa me, Mario.
@Robski_Boy: If I reach 700 followers, I'm gonna tweet naked for the next hour. Won't do much for you guys, but it'll certainly liven up Starbucks.
@drinksmcgee: I laugh at an ex who now dates an ugly man-pig… Until I realize that maybe she has a type.
@calamitydaisy: I feel a burst of superiority when I trick a fly into flying out of my car window.