A strong person stands up for himself. A stronger person stands up for himself while bench pressing another person standing up for himself.
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My washing machine shakes so much it moves across the floor and I’m pretty sure it’s trying to escape because I work it too hard
“911”
you gotta help, my wife is in labour in the backseat
“how far apart are the contractions?”
about 2 miles but I’m driving pretty fast
[At bar]
BARTENDER: I dont think she wants to talk man
ME: [dabbing on pickle juice as cologne] I think I know what the ladies want pal
Me: you know what’s sexy?
Mirror: no
Getting schooled in Minecraft by a 6 year old. Looks like someone is about to find out Santa Claus isn’t real.
in canada if you pat your pockets to show a hobo that you have no change and he hears your keys jingle, you have to give him your house.
Of course introverts lie, how do you think we get jobs.
I accidentally gave my newborn Muscle Milk instead of formula and now he’s blasting Pantera and doing one arm pull-ups off his crib
me: will i go to jail in the future
psychic: no
me: gimme your wallet and empty the register
When someone’s ignoring me I like to break into their house at night and steal all their shoes.
We’ll see how busy you are tomorrow.
No one told me that part of motherhood is consistently looking like the before on a makeover show.
My girlfriend and I are sharing an #Amazon account.
We’re prime-mates.
Customer: I can’t see. How many sugar and fiber are in this bar?
Me: 7 sugar 5 fiber
C: That’s not very healthy… Just the smokes then.
A drum solo but on your face.
Pretty sure it’s easier to break a person out of a maximum security prison than break a Barbie doll out of its package.
MY GRANDMA: The doctor says I’m standard.
ME: That’s not what STD is short for Grandma.
MISSING CAT❗️
-Answers to the name “Chancellor Parsons” which is really aggravating because we named him Mittens.
I’m getting mixed signals from this girl first she is like “sorry I’m married” then it’s “leave me alone I’m married” I mean which is it
Girlfriend: “I’m pregnant”
Me: “Really? Thats great.”
GF: “April Fo–”
*I’m already on a plane to a non extradition country*
A real smart TV would increase the volume when you start eating chips.
INTERVIEWER: under Strengths you’ve written ‘dishonesty’…?
ME: No I haven’t
Normalize calling a Stanley cup a sippy cup to piss your kid off.
Did you know that if a unicorn and I were to race the unicorn would likely win cause unicorns are about as real as my desire to race anything?
wife: [steps out of time machine] my god you’ve aged horribly
me: u didn’t even turn it on
[burglar gently waking me] you live like this?
Hockey fights are cool but imagine the make up sex afterwards in the locker room.
If you own a karate dojo and you don’t make your employees answer the phone “Hiiiiiiiiya”
You’re doing it wrong
All is fair in drunk and war.
An English version of Cookie Monster called Biscuit Gentlemen who always wants biscuits but also uses the word please, because we’re not savages.
the batteries in my keys don’t work anymore so now i just say “CHIRP CHIRP!” as i walk away from my car. your move robbers