@ruinedpicnic: Humans pretend to be smart but we still look at the ceiling when we hear a noise upstairs like we're suddenly gonna have x-ray vision
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@noog: Batman Pros: Intelligence, strategist, master fighter, money, Shit shaped like bats, Alfred Cons: Robin
@KeetPotato: [ordering cake over phone] "and what would you like the cake to say?" [covers phone to ask wife] "do we want a talking cake?"
@BoogTweets: Me: I have bad news about Bob. Friend: Bob from work or Bob that always fakes his own death? Me: *Drops shovel* Ut oh…
@ThatScoop: Guy: What do you do? Me: I tell jokes on Twitter G:No, I mean, what do you do to support yourself? Me: I tell myself that they're good jokes