Humans™
they start off corded but convert to wireless easily
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Some call me Mike while others call me Jesus Christ, Mike.
You want my friends and family rate? That’s double.
Monday: forearms
Wednesday: forearms
Friday: forearms
Sunday: forearms
–Popeye’s gym schedule
Why do my kids want to be in the bathroom with me? I don’t even want to be in the bathroom with me.
[to the murderer hiding in the backseat of my car]
neither this car nor this murder will go anywhere until you put your seatbelt on, mister
Q: How do you stop an astronaut’s baby from crying?
A: You rocket!
#HatDadJoke
ME: I’ve been shot
MEDIC: put pressure on the wound
ME: ok, wound, are you saving for your child’s tuition because education is important
ME: I wish I had antlers
GENIE: You’d look pretty weird being the only one w/ antlers
M: Fine, I wish everyone had antlers
G: Oka-
M: But my antlers are demonstrably superior
G: You know you can wish for non-antler things
M: *Sees my awful neighbor Carl* I wish his antlers sucked
Sometimes my southern accent sneaks out. Like just today I meant to say “You all” and instead I had sex with my cousin.
i’m at the bar pushing pint glasses off the edge like a cat until the bartender sprays me with a water bottle
[writing Jurassic Park 2]
Writer 1: alright first things first, palaeontologists OUT
Writer 2: but it’s a dinosaur movie-
Writer 1: -bUt iTs A dInOsAuR mOviE STFU. Hairy chest mathematician IN
So I have one coworker who uses “irregardless” and another who uses “unappropriate” and now I’m over trying to conversate with these people.
“The bond’s Name. James Name”
Pleased to… what?
“Bond Name’s the james”
Are you alright?
“Bames Nond’s having a stronk, call a Bondulance”
“Wanna see videos from my vacation?”
*shows home video of me eating a raccoon under a bridge
“This is the wrong video”
“No this is right”
I need someone to pretend they’re coming round, so I will burst into life and actually clean this stupid house.
You can pretty much tell me anything is an anagram and I’ll believe it. I’m not about to rearrange a bunch of letters like some doctor
*calls son at college*
Pop quiz, son
“Ok”
What’s the opposite of a hot dog
“Um…a cold cat?”
Exactly. Now let’s talk about Fluffy
Hey I know I said never to text me again and I hope you die, but do you remember the name of that movie where the one sister is murdered and the other takes on her identity?
I ate a cliff bar before bed, now I can’t stop dreaming about hiking
I am criminally attractive*
*attractive to criminals
Me: I just stepped in dog shit, isn’t that weird?
Her: Not really
Me: Ok, what if I told you I knew it was there?
[first day as a juror] *applying lipstick* which way is the hung jury
Murphy’s Law – If it can go wrong, it will go wrong. Cole’s Law – shredded cabbage in mayo
website: do you accept cookies?
me: into my heart as my Lord and savior
Flight Attendant: Is anyone here a doctor?!
Me: *shoving my way to the front* no
Sorry dinner took so long! My son wanted to help and he had never used a can opener, so…the tuna casserole took about six hours longer than it should have. But he learned so much in that time.
Bon appetit!
The first guy that paid for life insurance died never knowing if it was a scam.
My laugh is like what you’d hear if a hyena and seal were mating and it wasn’t going very well.
me: i trained my cat to talk
her: let’s see
me: name an object pronoun
cat: me-
me: what do i say when i’m hurt
cat: -ow
her: this sucks
me: just wait
cat: we’re just getting started Linda
Human: your name is Flipper
Dolphin: (angerly) uh ok, HAND