humans: wat did we ever do to deserve dogs
dogs: wat horible sins were done to our ancestors for us to be subservient to the humabns
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When I was a kid, my dad taught me how to fix a car. We would drive to the mechanic and he would be like, “fix my car.”
why do people romanticize the 1950s? like calm down, we still have milkshakes and racism
Alexa, here is a sock. You are a free elf now.
Who cares about Friday the 13th? I mean, what more can the universe do to me?
if I get married all my bridesmaids are going to be bats
My wife made me pack my own bag for vacation and now I have to figure out how to wear potato chips.
ME: *trying to remember name of someone I met 2 minutes ago*
BRAIN: “Nope. I got nothing. Unless you want complete lyrics to 90s songs?”
me: sord
English: sword
me: why
English: because i like it lol
me: that’s not a good anser
English: oh boy ur not gonna be happy about this
A pregnant girl from my high school made her unborn child a Facebook and added me as a friend. I AM FRIENDS WITH AN EMBRYO YOU GUYS.
My son said a bunch of disparaging things about Billy Joel and now he sleeps outside in a tent. That’ll learn him.
HUSBAND: We’re meeting my parents at noon. Did you shower yet?
(flashback to me using a wet wad of toilet paper to wash my armpits)
ME: Yes.
Put your address and social security number into the GIF search then mail me your house keys to find your rapper name
Asking every new person I meet if they’re cake.
[movie casting]
ME: I’m here for the stuntman job
“Do you have any experience?”
ME: No, but I took a…
“Please don’t”
ME: …crash course
Today I finally told my kids that St Patrick isn’t real, and it’s been me putting the snakes under their pillows all these years.
I decided not to put my clocks back so from hence forth I shall be on time for everything.
*shrugs*
*swipes right*
“How many volunteers do we have for my evil army?”
384 my liege
“Ok, round them up”
400 my liege
*running from the police and turning into an alley*
HER: Kiss me
HIM: What?
HER: Do you trust me? Then kiss me
*they kiss passionately as the police round the corner*
POLICE: There they are! They stopped to kiss!
wife: omg what are you doing?
me: wrapping presents
wife:
me:
wife: IS THAT ALUMINUM FOIL?!
The pool supply sales lady told me I should shock my swimming pool once a week, so I keep showing it my senior picture.
Remember in the boardgame Life when you had kids and collected money? HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA
fbi: [injecting me with truth serum] give us the information
me: [already ugly crying] i don’t even know if i like nuggets or if i just like sauce
I hate when my therapist “makes a note” because I know that means she’s gonna try and circle back … but she wildly underestimates my filibuster skills.
Boss: how flexible is your lunch today?
Me: *putting my chicken’s leg over his head…
“I think he’s really limber!”
HIM: [gravely voice] I hunt vampires by night
ME: Wouldn’t it be easier during the day?
HIM: I have to go now
Once upon a time I could complete a sentence and then I had kids. The end.
It’s wet right there and I don’t know why
– a one sentence horror story
#NoRestForTheWicked