Humans will not be fully evolved until everyone achieves the ability to maintain a constant speed while driving.
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Co-worker: How are you today?
Me: *starts writing death threats on the wall in period blood.*
If you had more money you’d be happier.
Farmer: You’d like to exchange nutrient rich manure for my agricultural expertise?
Me: Yes. Shit for brains, if you will. Lol.
Apparently you can’t sell your eggs if you’ve been diagnosed with depression so I guess none of these people want funny kids
Girl, if you’re into rocks, I promise you’ll be
Never seen anyone in Nandos or McDonald’s pick up an appropriate amount of napkins – you’re cleaning up after a burger not a double homicide
M: I’m so glad school started!
12: Can you help me with my math?
M: OMG WHY IS THIS HAPPENING TO ME?!
What about a haunted doll that reminds you to take your birth control
<Enter Password>
Morningbreath
<Password too strong>
“This restaurant is so good I came twice,” she says.
“When was the other time you ate here?” he asks.
“Oh, no, this is my first time here.”
Date: What do you do?
Me *holds up menu* you just choose a meal from this book of food
You think you’re in pretty good shape and then you shovel two feet of snow and wake up the next day feeling like you threw yourself off of a skyscraper.
ME:[just inaugurated as president] Where’s the nuke button
ADVISOR: why
ME:[crumpling photo of my 5th grade bully] I just wanna see it
Whoa whoa whoa… I was stalking her first buddy…
Interviewer: Tell me about your future plans.
Me: You mean, like, just tomorrow, or for, like, the whole weekend?
Are these fish:
A. A different species
B. The same species
C. These two fish aren’t even from the same ocean and aren’t closely related
[staff meeting]
“Ya so heads up, someone grabbed my lunch from the fridge, and there’s a 420% chance you shouldn’t eat the brownie inside”
Husband: *bleeding*
Me: *calling 911*
Husband: Well, Well, Well. Look who’s on her phone again.
Drama Llama is what they dubbed me in college. Not because of my theatrics, I earned the name by spitting.
Everything happening on Twitter now is a lot easier to understand if you‘ve ever had a younger sibling that invented a game and added a new rule every time they started losing.
Why did we stop at bread bowls? Make the whole kitchen out of bread, you cowards!
We get it, cacti, you have great biceps.
My mating call in winter is just me shaving my legs.
I just had the best argument in my head and I cannot wait until someone pisses me off.
Please, sir. Your gold chain is too arousing.
me: hey cat what are you up to
cat: ʜᴀɪʟ ʟᴜᴄɪᴘᴜʀʀ
me: what
cat: meow
8-year-old oversleeping in 1910: oh beans da boss at the poison factory is sure gonna be steamed at me
A hooker once showed me her dollar menu. Her meat actually did resemble McDonald’s.
Whoever accidentally put their dentist appointment in my ical it’s tomorrow morning! Don’t be late!
I’m just a girl sitting here wondering which outfit I own goes best with bad decisions…