Humidity is like heat if it suspected you were about to break up with it.
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May you never experience disappointment like that of finding unmelted cheese on the second layer of nachos
before mcdonald’s i bet “don’t buy cheeseburgers from a clown” was a pretty hard and fast rule
Me: I love you
7yo: I love you too
Me: l love you to infinity
7yo: I love you to infinity too
Me: l love you more than ice cream
7yo:
7yo: what flavor?
tarot card reader: so that’s 3 death cards
me: but that means change or rebirth, right?
tarot card reader: *pulling out another death card* no
That awkward moment when you text a pretty girl, “my shirt smells like you” & you misspell shirt
ME: genie, i wish i was dead
GENIE: [makes me dead then brings me back to life] ok u have two wishes left
ME: i dont think u understood
When I said ‘You can’t buy my love.’
I meant with your salary.
Twitter dot com. *sigh*
Everyone hated math in high school, but when y’all get screwed on your pay check.
BOOM, suddenly you know algebra and calculus
Best spoiler warning ever
Went to the doctor today because I was experiencing some pain and he told me it’s because I’m an “overly aggressive wiper” and honestly I think I’m putting that on my dating profile
[argument w/girlfriend]
HER: you know what your problem is?
ME: no, *grabs pen and begins taking notes* but i’m about to find out
It’s not illegal to convince your child that she is the only person who can see the sun and must never talk about it.
[crab overhears the words ‘crab cakes’]
*applauds with tiny crab clawed excitement* oooh cakes for crabs
[crab sees the crab cakes]
oh no. oh god no.
I’m texting hubs a grocery list one item at a time so he can experience his phone blowing up
Ted Talks how about Ted shut up for once
I hate it when restraining orders get in the way of meaningful relationships.
Well played future wife. You win this round
Do you believe in life after love?
-Me as a Cher-apist
I put the h in mysterious.
In Hillary’s defense. A lot of your friends probably give you $15,000,000 a few times a year and don’t expect anything in return.
british people be having sex like:
mmmm yes splendid ah indeed scrumptious carry on good heavens i’m arriving
have a nail gun and some boards laying around? show him you love him by adding some attractive wood paneling to his car
KATY PERRY: 🎶 baby you’re a fiiiiirework
KATY PERRY’S DOG: I hate this song
Sometimes I don’t put my glasses on for the first hour of the day bc I’m not ready to see what’s coming
How animals would run if they were human
Grammar: The difference between knowing your shit and knowing you’re shit.
If I didn’t have an imaginary friend as a child does it mean that somewhere at some point in time I WAS the imaginary friend?
I literally got fired from a job for not knowing what to do with my hands when I talk. I guess sign language interpreting just wasn’t for me
*first date*
Me: Well I have a dog, so a lot of my life seems like it’s controlled by them sometimes!
Her: Aw, that’s sweet. Pets can be like that!
My dog: *through my hidden earpiece* OK now tell her I’m a good boy