Humor: the only thing I like dry.
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If your Tesla catches fire and locks you inside it’s not a problem, you just have to look up a ten minute YouTube video to figure out how to escape
It may look like I’m eating an entire jumbo bag of M&Ms all by myself but, if you look closely, I’m really in training to be a piñata.
“I need a woman who can help me grow”
First of all, I’m not Fertilizer.
trust my gut? the thing that can’t even handle milk?
BFF: do you ever have those weeks where you don’t want to work out, eat what you want and be lazy?
Me: *eating cheesecake with my hands while laying on a lounge chair* nope.
You’re the Pepsi of people.
Some people like you, but they’re wrong.
if the earth is so flat explain why cats haven’t pushed everything off it yet. you can’t.
Friend: *sees my new tattoo of dogs kissing* Whoa! Is that permanent?!
Me: Yup.
Friend: Wow. What’s it mean?
Me: It means I can’t remove it.
A lollipop is like a normal lipop but it laughs a lot.
Sorry.
[a magic show]
me: is this your card?
him: no
me: is this your card?
him: no
me: is this your card?
him: no
me: is this…
[1 hour later]
…him: no
me: is this your card?
him: no
me: is this your card?
him (a policeman): my god, how many credit cards did you steal?
Sometimes I hide condiments from my husband by moving them 3 inches to the left.
Can we just call it Zealand now? How long has it been? Move on people
Shit dude that SUCKS
-me as a 911 operator
[getting arrested for public nudity]
Cop: PUT YOUR HANDS OVER YOUR HEAD
Me: …
Cop: YOUR OTHER HEAD
Waiter: Ready to order?
Friend: I’ll have the quinoa and grilled tofu lettuce wrap.
Me: I’ll take the MSG platter with a side of gluten.
GOD: why aren’t there more plants on earth?
ANGEL: the snails are doing a bad job of pollinating the flowers
GOD: ok then let’s go to plan bee
Me: waiter, do you have frog legs?
Waiter: of course monsieur
Me: good, hop over there and get me a beer
I’m glad we’re finally banning plastic straws. It’s about time we started caring about camels and their fragile backs
I reached for my bagel at a weird angle and now I need a chiropractor.
[hears one Christmas song] My heart is overflowing with glad tidings
[hears another one] I’ve never been angrier
[FIRST DATE]
ME (Struggling to make conversation): …tell me about a time you worked well as part of a team.
Person: Did you see Top Gun with Tom Cruise?
Me: He was busy that day. I saw it with somebody else.
The little toadstool has spoken.
Kids going as Batman for Halloween should not be accompanied by parents unless those parents are dressed as ghosts
I crave feet in the sand, a gentle ocean breeze, the sun on my face, and two entirely new presidential candidates.
I gave a man a fish. I taught a man to fish.
Fish aren’t all that happy with me right now.
i’m gonna make some couscous with garlic and olive oil. that’s right. couscous. the food so nice they named it twice
“Are you religious?”
Bro I don’t even believe in myself
[tries to take a selfie]
Phone: NOT ENOUGH SPACE.
[deletes a bunch of photos]
Phone: still tho… don’t.