*Hums Every Breath You Take in grocery line
*Gets arrested for stalking 3 people
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Do you rake up your leaves or do you wait until the wind blows them all over into neighbor’s yard like a normal person?
Farmer: if you want to fix that soil you have to fertilize it properly
Landscaper: sounds like bullshit
Farmer: yes exactly
I’ve reached the age where haircuts would be cheaper if my hairdresser charged per strand.
My weather app just says, “Oh no.” I wonder what that means?
No tailgaters on the truck loosely hauling porta- potties.
If you ever go backpacking in the wilderness, be sure to wear corduroy pants, so you can start a fire if needed.
DOCTOR: Your leg is broken
ME: So what happens now?
D: We put in a cast & it’ll recover naturally
HORSE: [sticks head round curtain] WHAT?!!
Interviewer: says here you have a military background
Me [getting out my phone]: yeah but I changed to a picture of my dog eating spaghetti
I could get hit and killed by a truck right in front of him and my dentist would still find a way to blame it on the fact that I don’t floss
An air mattress is great when you want to sleep on the floor but not right away.
[interrogation]
“Where were you on the night of the 5th?”
“Dealing drugs.”
“Louder for the tape?”
[leans in]
“Healing pugs. I’m a pug vet.”
I don’t think this is talked about enough but Airbnbs have led to there being too many cushions in the world.
My boss is coming to my grandad’s funeral tomorrow.
He said, after his 3 previous funerals he personally wants to see him go in the ground
People without kids who give other people’s kids messy or annoying toys..
Imagine that we gave you a monkey with a kazoo and fingerpaints..
Oh I’m heartbroken over you
Wait, no I was just thirsty, I’m fine
Friend: “You really shouldn’t let pets sleep in your bed.”
Me: “But I like cuddling!”
Friend: “I think your goldfish is dead now.”
Me: *rips pants bending over*
Toddler: Daddy! You’re so strong! You ripped your clothes like Hulk!
Me: Uh. Yep. That’s me. Same thing. Just like the Hulk. Indistinguishable.
Toddler: *proudly tells everyone I’m like the Hulk because I rip my pants all the time*
Me: *dies*
Wife & son backing out in the car,
4yo: “So LONG, suckers!” [slams garage door]
4yo [opens door again]: “Not you Mommy!”
Becky on Facebook is having a bad hair day and wonders if anything will ever go right. Be strong Becky, be strong. Also shut up.
His arrival was foretold in the ancient murals.
Why did they have to make a sign
why did they have to make a sign
why did they have to make a sign
[Arrives at work dressed as a sexy kitty]
Boss: *points to memo on desk* “It says no Halloween costumes”
Me: *slowly pushes memo off desk*
Wife: I need to lose weight
Me: Maybe you should work out
Wife: Maybe we should workout together
Me: Maybe I should mind my own business
professor x: what’s ur superpower
me: hindsight
professor x: that won’t help us
me: yes i see that now
Pride of lions? Murder of crows? They got nothin’ on a craze of kids.
“Why am I not asleep?” he thought, while shining a beam of pure information directly into his eyes from eight inches away.
Now that the sleep paralysis demon is trapped in my head, he’s starting to rethink his decisions
I think my daughter is starting to take a dim view of Santa because she’s asking things like “can the elves leave if they want” and “does he help make toys or does he just sit there”
Can some of you who who post pictures of your muscles come over Saturday and help me move?
I use a wheelchair. When I’m at a job interview and they ask me what my biggest weakness is, I want to say “A flat tire”.