Hung my Christmas lights on the house across the street so I can see them.
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Started trying to hand out tiny umbrellas to neighborhood squirrels to help them beat the heat. So far, it’s a much bigger challenge than I thought.
Who called it Thanksgiving and not the Nightmare before Christmas?
[being interrogated for my involvement in a bank heist]
COP 1: give us a name
ME: big bird
COP 2: a real name
ME: millard fillmore
COP 1: no you idiot, someone you know
ME: nana
I’d rather see a guy with a machete walking towards me than someone with a clipboard.
I’m as useless as the top two buttons on a Greek mans dress shirt.
Kiss me you fool.
Embrace me you dolt.
Cuddle me you simpleton.
Marry me you megalomaniac.
HAVE MY BABY YOU GARBAGE PERSON.
When I was growing up I always loved making sandcastles with my grandmother, at least until mom started hiding the urn.
Apparently, I just ate 39 servings of Tic – Tacs.
customer: can I return this bird food?
me: we don’t take returns
customer: then can I give some feedback?
me: I told you no
The most unrealistic thing about Warrior Cats isn’t the talking cats it’s their names. I’ve been around feral cats; they wouldn’t call themselves Stormheart or whatev. More like: “I am called Lord Orange. Here are my finest warriors: Orange, Orange & Also Orange.”
If you’re moving to a new house for a “fresh start,” congratulations your new house is haunted.
Saying please to a toddler is like being polite to a tornado.
6 was jealous about other kids getting notes in their lunches, so I put one in his:
“Sorry, I ate your pudding. Love, Dad.”
ME: I’ll have the chicken dinner.
WAITER: Yes, sir. *throws corn on the floor* Here, chick chick chick.
ME: *pecks at the ground* Excellent.
I’m sorry but when you call me ‘batshit crazy’ it’s almost starting to sound like you think it’s a bad thing!
him: I’m so sick of you just agreeing with everything I say
me: same
Me: Come to my party. I’m making my “secret special punch.”
Her: You mean vodka & food coloring?
Me: Who told you my secret?!?
When I die, please scatter my ashes over my iPhone, computer and TV, because I want to be left to my own devices.
HUSBAND: Can you hand me the salad spinner?
ME: Give me a second, I need to finish drying my panties first.
[5 mins after seeing our neighbour’s new boat]
wife: “everything’s a competition to you”
me: [trying to find the moon on eBay] “no it’s not”
*turns Foo Fighters up on the radio*
ME: hell yeah
13: hell yeah, the classics
*clicks the radio OFF*
ME: you’re grounded
A chicken pie in Jamaica costs £2.00
A chicken pie in Trinidad costs £2.40
A chicken pie in St Kitts costs £2.15These are the pie rates of the Caribbean
A man tried to get a refund on a Tom and Jerry boxset because the storylines were “repetitive”
ME: *goes on mute after giving update on a conference call*
MY 4 Y/O: [standing behind me baffled] daddy, what does any of that even mean?
ME: i don’t know, girl. i don’t know
Cop: SHOW ME YOUR HANDS!
Me: *puts hands out*
Cop: wait… are you the hand model for Rolex?
Me: *blushing* guilty
Cop [winking aggressively]: Uh oh someone’s gonna have to serve some TIME
It looks like bathroom tai chi but it’s me trying to trigger the automatic paper towel dispenser.
Went on a date and the guy asked me my blood type. That’s normal right?
*Puts lock box on kidneys*
ME: my therapist told me to stop talking about people as if they weren’t here
THERAPIST: [rubbing temples] i know
My wife must be the slowest reader ever.
I bought her a Kindle last Christmas and she still hasn’t finished it.
Eat local. Your neighbor’s food.