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Me: The only thing I’m guilty of is starting singalongs
Judge: And that you killed a man
Me: put a gun against his head
Jury: pulled my trigger now he’s dead
Judge: mama
Just remembered when out of embarrassment I told a train passenger I was crying because my boyfriend dumped me when the real reason was I was listening to the Lion King soundtrack
I’m pretty much a SAHM now and someone asked me the other day, “so what do you do with all your free time now?” Ummm, I guess I just nap. And after a long nap, I like to squeeze in a short nap. Then the butler arrives & makes dinner while I ride my unicorn around fairyland.
I use these ( … ) a lot.
For which, I believe, the technical term is Dotty Dot Dots.
You can lead a horse to water but I don’t know why you’d want to do that when there are infinitely cooler places to hang out with a horse. Take them out dancing. Go rock climbing. Change it up. Don’t let things get dull. Part of love is constantly surprising each other.
Sorry, but that was only my favorite food in the world BEFORE you bought 5 cases of it at Costco.
-Kids
Crawling into a nice warm barrel of toxic waste and dissolving sounds so appealing…but is it worth the risk of developing super powers or some extra shit like that? So tired.
I went from “easy peasy lemon squeezy” to “messy distressy lemon zesty” in ten years.
The band and I decided to go our separate ways after they saw my audition.
The newest Teenage Mutant Ninja Jurtle: Thiccelangelo.
Doc: So, how did you injure your rotator cuff?
Me, remembering reaching for the wet wipes on the back of the toilet:
TENNIS
The fact that there’s gonna be a Joker 2 just means Batman isn’t doing his god damn job
Ok but actually
My neighbour won’t stop talking about his Rolex and I can’t believe someone stole it tomorrow
If I got kidnapped I’d just be like, “fine – you worry about dinner now.”
10 year old me preparing to tell my mom at 9pm I need glue and construction paper for my project due tomorrow.
My children’s inheritance is just 2,000 bottles of partially used nail polish.
If I got kidnapped I’d continuously sing Pitbull songs until they kill me, I’d die but at least they’d suffer too.
Beastie Boys: So whatcha whatcha whatcha want?
2020: *deep breath*
cop: thanks for saving us but why is your underwear on wrong
superman: lmao they’re not on wrong
cop:
superman: wait is this wrong
[cop sniffing me] you’re all over the road get out of the vehicle
[me after putting on too much hand cream] I’ll try
“This movie is intended for 18+ viewers.” Bro, I don’t have 17 friends to watch this with.
[couples therapy]
Mrs: he’s too handsy, always touching me all over…
Mr: [who is an octopus] I CANT HELP IT LINDA IM LIKE 90% HANDS…
When you’re mimicking someone behind their back and they suddenly turn around
*glances up from GameBoy*
SO ANYWAYS THIS IS THE FIRST DATE I’VE BEEN ON IN A WHILE, HOW ‘BOUT YOU?
[being mugged]
ME: can i keep things of sentimental value?
ROBBER: ok
ME:[pulling things from wallet] my favorite cash…my lucky debit card
A new hipster coffee shop in my hood doesn’t have wifi b/c it wants to encourage talking…presumably about the failure of this coffee shop.
Respect
I want negative calorie credit for all the junk food I pass up. Didn’t eat that cookie? That’s -150 calories.
My milkshake won’t bring the boys to the yard but I’m betting my free wifi will.