Hurt my back in a pretty bad helicopter accident.
At my age, I really need to stretch before trying to move my hips like that.
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Searching for your soulmate could take years. Making a slice of toast takes minutes.
Does anyone ever finish a jar of Vaseline? I’m still working on the one my great-grandpa passed down to me.
I’ll take Dumb Ideas for $300, Alex.
Your Answer: sit on the ground and eat food while bugs crawl all over you
What is a picnic?
Correct!
I cheat on my taxes by sleeping with other people’s taxes.
My 3yo found an Easter egg during the egg hunt that was obviously from last year, it was full of stale jellybeans covered with ants, opened it and yelled, excitedly “WOW I GOT AN ANT ONE!!!!!”
Best bird cliques…
A “murder” of crows
A “flamboyance” of flamingos
A “fall” of woodcocks…aka dudes who realize they’ve been catfished
This morning I fixed the Keurig by violently shaking it upside down and suddenly all the other kitchen appliances started working correctly.
Before you ask me to proofread anything, know that I spent 30 years thinking “FAQs” was short for “Facts”.
me: waiter this soup is cold
waiter: it’s Gazpacho
me: Gazpacho this soup is cold
If we’ve gone swimming together you can be certain that at some point you’ve swam through my pee
[meeting my gf’s parents]
her: *quietly* don’t worry, my dad’s nice but he doesn’t say much[later]
her dad: I love my daughter very a lot
me: i see
Fitbit: Time for a walk
Me: *walks to snack machine
A good wedding prank is to say “I do” but just before the priest pronounces you man and wife, add “…karate.”
13 year old me: why is my mom texting me?
me now: i’m gonna send my mom a pic of this grass cause it’s super green. I think she’ll like it.
My computer caught a mosquito virus and has malwaria.
13yo asked me to get up at 6am to help her curl her hair, and I laughed and laughed and laughed, and then I set my alarm for 6am because she asked nicely.
[sees a woman eating pizza on the hiking trail]
Me: hi I think we were separated at birth
I just took the Christmas tree down. Gonna dye Easter eggs this afternoon.
Instructor: “Welcome to salsa class! Who’s ready to learn how to dance?”
Me, hiding tortilla chips bag: “There’s been a misunderstanding.”
Chores are important for teaching kids the value of working just hard enough to mollify people with actual power
My neighborhood is having a meeting tonight about the crazy naked lady and I’m the only one not invited. Weird.
*buys shed at B&Q*
B&Q: Are you putting this up yourself?
Me: No, it’s going in the garden.
B&Q:
Me:
B&Q: I can’t help you anymore.
Me: “Hello, I’m here for my interview at IKEA.”
Interviewer: “Come on in! Make a seat!”
Robocop’s guns malfunction.
Robocop gets sued for manslaughter.
Robocop loses his home.
Hobocop.
I was nerding out to a friend over something Harry Potter related in the pub and now the bartender keeps asking me “what can I get you, Gryffindork?”
My 5yo asked me if we could go to someone else’s house because he says we go to our house a lot
Cop: Where were you on the night of July 19th 2009?
Me: Well I had diarrhea that day
Cop: That was 10 years ago. How do you remember that?
Me: *slamming fist on table* I have diarrhea every day
Oh no. My girlfriend sold her hair to buy me a pocket watch chain and I also bought myself a pocket watch chain.
I wear a mask because I like to leave something to the imagination.
When people ask, “Don’t I know you from somewhere?”, I reply “Yes, we were best friends as children until you murdered my puppy.”