*husband and I arguing*
Kids (in unison): “YAYYYYYY TWO CHRISTMASES!!!!!
You Might Also Like
Me, being chased by an angry mob with torches and pitchforks: Are you guys mad at me?
Fact: DJs who work at radio stations playing christmas music for two months are not allowed to wear belts or shoe laces.
Spilled a can of drink over a nun, and now she’s got a Coke habit.
Capricorn: Next year will be the year you start living like a king. Isolated, paranoid, never sure if anyone’s affections are genuine.
INTERVIEWER: u put “vodka” as a reference
ME: oh I thought it said preference
Remember, your toilet is just afraid of you as you are of it.
“Dora” only rhymes with “Explorer” if you’re from Long Island, New York
I’m a leader, not a follower… Unless it’s into a dark place, then screw that, you’re going first.
So I just killed a huge spider running across the floor with my shoe.
I don’t care how big the spider is, no one steals my shoe.
The Windows weather app shows moon rise and set times. Who is this information for? Werewolves?
omg your honor why are you like obsessed with my client
*puts on headphones
*cranks “Eye of the Tiger”
*downs energy drink
*laces up Nikes
*runs out into 13° weather
*runs back inside
*Naps
“It looks like you’re in the middle of a workout.”
– My passive-aggressive Apple Watch as I walk across a parking lot to my car
My background check bounced.
Interviewer: what would you say is your biggest weakness?
Me: *high pitched mocking voice* what would you say is your biggest weakness?
He threw his hands in the air.
And he waved em like he just didn’t care.
In hindsight, he was the worst airplane runway guide we ever hired.
{first date}
HIM: Your profile says you like Shakespeare. What’s your favorite?
ME [nervous]: Uh…William?
Everyone always tells me I look young for my age, especially since I started telling them that I’m 72
This new sauté pan and I have vastly different definitions of non stick.
figuring out my emotional availability:
*Food arrives*
*Waits 3 days*
*Slowly takes bite of food*
*Waitress appears from under the table in camouflage*
HOW IS EVERYTHING??
[On my death bed]
My son: Before you go, could you make me pancakes?
Give the gift of sarcasm to a child and receive it back tenfold.
Me: Got any more of those debbled eggs?
Friend: Did you just say DEBBLED eggs?
Me: No, I said the right thing…
Pretty rude of us to assume his name was Jaws
Billy Idol: Dancing With Myself
Billy Idle: Sitting With Myself
[outside eden]
Adam: This isnt so bad
Eve: Yea
Adam: [mosquito lands on arm] Wtf is this[5 min later]
Adam: [banging on gates] WE’RE SORRY
“WHAT ARE YOU KIDS DOING IN THERE?”
*stomps feet to pretend I’m going towards that room*
This is a fact based meme 😏😂
COP: Is this man bothering you, Sir?
ME: that’s my wife