HUSBAND: Do we have any cake toppers?
ME: Yes, it’s called frosting.
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Why isn’t Spiderman’s greatest enemy named Shoeman?
Taco Bell: try this new thing
Me: what is it
TB: does it matter
Me: no I’ll take 3
I like to stand next to a stranger on the elevator and whisper, “I read what you said on the internet.”
“I thought it might be nice to go round the room and say a bit about ourselves”
Oh dear you thought wrong.
Times I’ve gone out to the garbage since she threw away a fur pillow: 2
Times I’ve leapt back thinking an animal was in the garbage: 2
Girl: that’s a fine-tooth comb
Guy: *combing teeth* thanks
What I really need is a woman who loves me for my money but doesn’t understand math.
When I hear teenagers talk I wonder why there’s not a high school class dedicated to learning the definition of the word “literally”
Shovelling the driveway with a heating pad jammed down the back of my shirt, the extension cord attached to the house like I’m an astronaut.
wonder why hedge mazes fell out of fashion? we need to get to the centre of this issue.
Two ill-tempered people return from a fractious trip to the grocery store, driving through an Old Testament downpour, and neither having changed the battery in the garage door opener.
Your prospects for a pleasant day are excellent because they have absorbed all the anger in…
Having no clue about human anatomy is my Achilles Elbow.
“I’m gonna sleep in tomorrow.”
Every child ever: No you’re not.
I didn’t get a chance to do yoga this morning or any other morning of my life.
911: what’s your emergency
me: my neighbors gone crazy, he’s screaming about superman and dragging his wife around by the hand.
911: what’s his location?
me: he’s 3 doors down
It’s hard eating this ramen with chopsticks. The broth keeps spilling on the steering wheel.
Every person over 50, every Autumn: It sure is a pretty Fall this year, although not as pretty as last year.
My belly don’t jiggle jiggle, it folds.
ME: and what are we going to do next time?
7YR OLD: you’re going to let me know in advance before you shave your beard
M: and for you?
7: I’m not going to scream “STRANGER! DANGER!” or call 911
“ENTER PASSWORD”
*types ‘snowflake’*
“RE-ENTER PASSWORD”
*types ‘snowflake’*
“ERROR. PASSWORDS MUST BE IDENTICAL”.
Think you’re a tough guy?
Go eat a package of Oreos in the middle of a crowded gym.
BREAKING: Cat inherits $300,000 from former owner.
The cat has requested the money in cash so he can push it off a table.
Prayers for my husband who texted back “k” when I said “Happy Anniversary, hoping for 25 more years!”
Guess when toothpaste was invented? 1892. Guess when kissing was invented? A DISGUSTINGLY LONG TIME BEFORE THAT.
One day we’re gonna discover that Squarespace has been committing countless mysterious murders, solely to fuel the Murder Podcast Industry, their no.1 source of advertisement
*cooking dinner*
Omg this smells SO good. The kids are gonna hate it.
Therapist: Ok so what brings you both here?
Me: Well apparently I make her life a “living hell”
My guardian angel: *sobbing uncontrollably*
The Flintstones will forever live on in our hearts and vitamins
Hey Chandler, wanna hang out with me, Phoebe and Monica later? We’re going to the park to open and close umbrellas in a fountain.