People always say “unceremoniously fired” like it ever happens any other way. I’d like to see a big ceremony for firing somebody. Get the gang together. Order a cake. Wear some special robes.
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[trying to fall asleep]
SHEEP: count us
ME: im good, thanks
SHEEP: *louder* count us
ME:nope
SHEEP: *yelling* count us
ME:*sighs* one, two, thr…
SHEEP: follow us*one hour later*
ME: *knitting a scarf* this is so relaxing
The cable company told me they would send a guy out and I need to be home between the hours of 1pm and 2014.
can I just say I hate that working out gives u energy and mental clarity like… why couldn’t it have been sleeping and laying down why does it have to be exercise it’s so rude
Date: I decided to take a year to backpack across Europe before going back to Harvard Law.
Me: *eating spaghetti through a straw*
Parenting is just putting throw pillows back on the couch every ten minutes until you die.
Why procrastinate today when you can procrastinate tomorrow?
The sound that tennis players make but I’m just picking my socks up off the floor.
WTF, marathoners? I don’t even like to drive 26 miles.
When I die, I want to be buried with a few random animal bones so archeologists 1,000 yrs from now will wonder what the hell I was
Mom: Aww she is having so much fun!
Child (blowing bubbles and popping them): I CREATE AND DESTROY. I AM A GOD.
When zombies find campers in sleeping bags, I bet they think “mmm, people burritos.”
CUSTOMER: [handing me a 20] can I have two 5’s and a 10?
ME: [thinking of the girl who wrote ‘never change’ in my high school yearbook] no
I’m at that age where all my friends have husbands and babies and all I’ve got is time and money.
*trips over an ice cube dropped on the floor*
Me: This is JUST like the Titanic!!
bird to holiday ratio:
thanksgiving: 1 bird
christmas: 184 birds
easter: 0 birds but 79,379 eggs
I’ve never wanted a mansion. Not because I’m modest- I just don’t need more places to lose my keys.
don’t ask me explain this but a golden retriever is like the 1990s in dog form
Shake what your momma gave you.
*shakes unemployed brother*
*Pizza Hut job interview*
“Do you own a shitty car and smoke pot?”
No sir.
“You will.”
I bet the skeletons, in my gay coworker’s closet, are having a dress up party with fabulous clothes.
This tweet lives in my head rent free.
I’d like to apologize…
To anyone I have not offended.
I’ll be with you momentarily.
[first date]
Me: so what do you do
Her: I’m a stay at home mom
Me: *leans in close* then what are you doing outside of that house
COP: *draws gun*
PARTNER: *looking over his shoulder* Someone needs to go to art school. Looks like a platypus.
“They say time is linear but it repeats itself. For example, I just got dumped again. Same girl. Were stuck on a loop, and when-”
*the man grating parmesan stops*
“No, that wasn’t a ‘when’ for you, keep going.”
Accidentally drove to work w/the kids still in the car & they waited until I parked to cheer that they weren’t going to school.
Mon-1
Mom-0
I’m thinking of buying a handful of of those “World’s Greatest —-“ mugs, then sell them at a yard sale, but ask for references.
“Oh, you’re interested in the World’s Greatest Dad mug? Are any of your children with you? I need to ask a couple questions before we can finalize this.
The Moon: *shines through my window at night and doesn’t let me sleep*
[Next Night]
Me: *pointing a flashlight at the moon* haha take that you piece of shit
Yall keep making fun of millennials you gonna regret all those karate lessons you bought us