Hairstylist: So…whatcha thinkin?
Me: This…(shows pic of supermodel)
Hairstylist: Aww… bless your heart
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My children’s inheritance is just 2,000 bottles of partially used nail polish.
You either get a kid who eats like a bottomless pit, or you get one that when asked what they want for lunch answers “No thanks. I had lunch yesterday”
Remember when mowhawks meant you were a tough punk rocker?
Now they just mean that you’re 3 and your parents are idiots.
Me: So it’s kittens… driving sports cars!!
Studio Head: I need security up here NOW.
Me: PLEASE DON’T REJECT “THE FAST AND THE FURRIEST”
Me: “Leave me alone! I’m confident in who I am and I know my worth!”
Dollar General Employee: “Sir, these shelves aren’t designed to support your weight please get down from there.”
Reasons to jump:
1. Trampoline
2. Skydiving
3. Bungee jumping
4. Kris Kross made you
Damn it, my wife found the guy who’s been sneaking in at 11pm is the donut delivery guy. Guess I should stop pretending I’m having an affair with him.
Pretty excited about making a huge Thanksgiving feast so my daughter can eat a roll.
The first rule of fight club is: you do not tell mom that I let you watch fight club, kids
CAPTCHA: Prove you aren’t a robot
Me, a sex machine: *sweating*
the helium shortage is only being made worse by inflation
I’m starting to think aliens are avoiding us.
Left the kids alone in a room with some styrofoam. One just yelled “it’s snowing” and the other started singing jingle bells. What have I done
3yo: Dad, have you ever seen a dinosaur?
ME: No. No one has. They lived during a different time.
3yo: How sad–
ME: Well it’s a liitle sad, but that’s the circle of life; & if dinosaurs had not perished, we probably wouldn’t–
3yo: How sad no one knows what dinosaurs taste like.
2019: starts making risotto
2021: almost done but not quite
A treadmill minute is four times as long as a sleep minute.
I thought my friends in their 60s were making love in the other room but they were just putting on their socks
[parent-teacher conference]
Teacher: Which kid is yours?
Me: I don’t have kids. I just heard the teachers here are hot.
T:
M: How you doin’?
Sorry I yelled “…just killed a man” when your baby called “Mama…”
Neat! according to this Walgreens blood pressure monitor, i should have died in 1998
If bedbugs live in your bed then what the hell are cockroaches
Like a shark smelling blood in the water, my toddler can also smell when I am eating my secret stash of cookies.
Apparently my aunt is doing some damage control after a crucial signage mistake
Wife: There is something wrong with you
Me: What a thing to say just before our dog’s first salsa lesson
I’m my own family, I say as I plow through the family-size bag of barbecue chips.
Heavens to Betsy
Betsy to Heavens
Heavens BACK to Betsy
Betsy-GOOOOOAAAALLLLLLLL
I was once told that if you can’t say anything nice, don’t say anything at all. Due to this,I’ve been observing a vow of silence since 1997.
I’m done – Now even the damn ouija board is asking me who I’m voting for in the election
Just realized my cat could be covered in tattoos and I wouldn’t even know.