Husband: “How do the kids keep getting sick?”
Me: [picturing all the things the toddler licked last week] “No idea.”
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I’m starting to think some of you might be taking marijuanas
I’m using my husband’s phone today because mine is broken and he has his font so small I think only ants can read it.
Nobody:
My 6-year-old: Can somebody in this building PLEASE tell me if black bears are nice?
Scrolls Twitter
*throws phone in holy water
GOOD COP: Three robberies in the same neighborhood …do you know what I’m thinking?
PSYCHIC COP: Yes
GOOD COP: Oh right
when i don’t respond right away: i’m busy, they’ll understand
when someone takes more than three minutes to respond to me: wow ok judas
The people who thought I could never pull off wearing a beret owe me an apology.
I SCREAM,
YOU SCREAM,
WE ALL SCREAM,
BECAUSE GRANDPA FORGOT TO
WEAR HIS HEARING AIDS AGAIN!
It happened. I witnessed the most Philly thing ever.
A fight broke out DURING a showing of the Mister Rogers movie.
[Interrogation room after a massive Swiss cheese theft]
Detective: I gotta tell ya, your story sure has a lot of….inconsistencies in it.
Anybody want to buy some exercise equipment? I’m having a going-out-of-fitness sale.
Saturday
Listen google, it’s 2015. I need you to figure out who I’m talking about when I type “that one guy in that movie I didn’t like.”
me: omg I love these *leans in* Alexa, hello. hello Alexa. can you hear me?
son: Dad, that’s grandma’s urn
I’ve been eating this memory foam for weeks now and I can’t even remember why I’m still eating memory foam
DATING TIP: Be a gentleman. Hold her door. Hold her hand. Hold her purse. Hold her for ransom. Demand a chopper. Fly away. Start a new life.
Am I smarter than a 5th grader?
…No. Probably not.BUT, am I funnier than a 5th grader?
…Also no.BUT, BUT could I win in an arm wrestling match against a 5th grader?
…I don’t wanna play this game anymore.
I’ve been wearing the same clothes for almost 7 years now because a girl wrote “never change” in my middle school year book.
Turkeys are crazy.
They hunch down and freeze in groups
in grocery store coolers to elude hunters.Must be a safety in numbers thing.
my dad: [rising up from behind couch]
the new ppl that live in that house now: wtf
I saw a girl wearing a shirt that just said CANCER on the front and it took me five minutes to stop feeling sorry for her and realize that was her astrology sign.
Hesitated so much at the rap battle, the DJ called me Erminem.
Me *laying on my couch, flipping through health magazines*, “bet these workouts are a piece of cake.”
friend: man, I honestly don’t believe she’d cheat on me
me: look, Gary, you can’t keep burying your head in the sand about this
ostrich at next table: OMG Devon, he did NOT just say what I think he said
TEACHER: Its report card day Timmy
TIMMY: I’m scared to look.
TEACHER: Don’t worry. It’s all B’s lol
*opens it & gets engulfed by bees*
I threw a ball for my dog.
May be a little extravagant, but he looks great in a tux.
The Olive Garden waiter went for a pack of smokes and never came back, so I really was family
I just saw some idiot at the gym put his water bottle in the Pringle holder on the treadmill.