Husband: “How do the kids keep getting sick?”
Me: [picturing all the things the toddler licked last week] “No idea.”
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Glad I spent 40 minutes getting my 1 year old dressed so she could go outside for 3 seconds.
Like dad use to say, if it ain’t broke, obviously my kid hasn’t touched it yet.
Good times!
My BFF asked me to watch her purse while she went to the bathroom.
I asked her what it was going to do.
I’m hilarious. Everyone says so.
Him: so you like bad boys?
Me: of course not
Him: oh. but your tinder profile sa-
Me: -wait just a minute [my dog leaves the room] ok he’s gone. no that was a lie, I totally do
My teen would like you to know I ruined her life when I did her laundry today.
Whenever I mess up an experiment I just think of what a pigeon considers a successful nest
Of course morning sex is better.
You haven’t spent the day annoying the crap out of each other yet.
“I’ll sleep when I’m dead” – me, before having kids
“I will murder someone for a nap”- me now
If you ever see me ironing and smiling, know that I have been body snatched like one of those Stepford wives.
[if ‘cahoots’ meant love]
Me: I’m in cahoots with you. I’ve always been in cahoots with you.
Person: I’ve told you. I’m in cahoots with someone else. You and I could never be in cahoots. I’m sorry, I’m so sorry.
Sorry I said, “Maybe you’ll do better next time” when you showed me your baby.
My girlfriend told me to treat her like a princess. So i married her off to a random stranger to strengthen the alliance with France.
Poking holes in your parents condoms so there’s someone else to do the dishes
[gently takes the Spider-Man franchise outside using a cup and piece of paper]
There you go, little buddy. You’re free now.
[stubs toe]
“GOD DAMMIT”
God: No problem, bro.
[toe goes to Hell]
i’m boycotting girl scout cookies until they’re honest enough to list the serving size as “sleeve”
I just can’t watch football, there’s too much “penetration in the backfield” for me to not giggle like an immature maniac.
Have fun, but be careful. Your sister was vacuumed up last week, and yesterday your cousin was killed with a shoe.
– spider moms, probably
“How am I driving?”
No seriously, how did I get here. This isn’t my car.
[calls up friend]
Remember when you said I wouldn’t ever make it on TV? Well turn on the news!
“Okay, but why are you calling from jail?”
Being a parent means calling your parents to apologize for your past behavior
Writing a horror book called “Chores you didn’t know existed and were supposed to be doing all along“
You guys are all saying that it’s a parody account that tweeted that she was offended when a guy opened a door for her but the same thing happened with me. I too held open a door for a lady she yelled at me and told me to get out of the ladies bathroom.
ME: we can do this
GOOGLE SMART CAR: we can’t clear the bridge
ME: *mashes ‘im feeling lucky’ button*
Diet hack: Spend your money filling up your gas tank so you won’t have money for groceries.
Cop: *Hands me ticket
“I’ll see you in court.”Me: *Seductively winks
“Sure is a lot of trouble just to see me again.”Cop: …
Got a new stove today and then ordered a pizza because I don’t want to ruin it by getting it dirty or anything.
VICTIM: First time murdering? I have a suggestion.
ME (sharpening my gun): Go on.
John Wick: contract killer
John Wink: lady killer 😉