Husband: I called my boss “Honey” today.
Wife: What? Why?
H: He was shouting at me and telling me I was wrong, and it just slipped out.
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When your baby cries, don’t feed it. That’s just what it expects you to do. You have to outsmart it.
She died as she lived. Listening to the story of what her kid watched on YouTube that day.
“Hey, we see that everything you’ve ever watched has been in English, may we suggest something in German?”
-Netflix.
Instruments were designed to be actually played, not “air played,” Kirk.
A picture so sexy my computer just covered my eyes.
Her: it’s been three weeks but the dog still hasn’t passed my wedding ring. I think we should just give up
Me: really? After all the shit we’ve been through?
When you get mad but you’re one of the nicest people ever…😂🐮🐑
therapist: how have you been coping with everything
me: with sarcasm mostly
therapist: has that been working
me: yeah it’s been super great
I miss the days when my 2yo didn’t have opinions and I could dress him in whatever I wanted.
If I have 5 apples and I give you 2 of them, just take the other 3 cause I’m going out for tacos
Mortal Kombat Announcer: FINISH HIM
Scorpion: it helps if u choke me a little
Obama: Joe, look. Full moon
Biden: What? TONIGHT? *starts shapeshifting*
Obama: Joe?
Biden: AARRGHHH
*Gore kicks door down*
Gore: MANBEARPIG
Me trying on those leggings I bought before the pandemic
ME: I like a girl with a bit of ink
OCTOPUS: Oh hey
10 signs that he’s just not that into you
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10. He is a cat.
Sports bra is so tight my cleavage starts at my chin
I’m so sick and tired of my friends who can’t handle their alcohol. The other night they dropped me three time while carrying me to the car.
Wife: I want to have another baby
Me: one is more than enough
Wife: we have 3
Me: the others know how I feel
I quit my job this week to pursue my dreams.
I can never remember my dreams so this is going to be interesting.
“You gotta keep ’em separated!” -the dude from the Offspring whenever he’s doing laundry.
I hate that feeling when your iPod earbud accidentally gets ripped out of your ear and you want to murder someone with a hammer.
Protip: Eclipse glasses are not cheap but if you wait until tomorrow you can get a really good deal on them.
I’m thinking about giving that Call of Duty game a shot, but first I’m gonna try one last time to get past level 4 on Duck Hunt.
I’m slowly replacing people in my life with different snack foods.
Having watched me install a yard spotlight, the kids are looking at me in what I can only assume is awe, bathed as we all are in the glow of a whole new light.
I must say, I’m as surprised at them at just how quickly the flames have spread, though.
Some of my friends have really unattractive children and I don’t say a word I just carry this heavy cross
BOSS: Ok, so we’ve decided we’re definitely going to call our new product yogert. Has anyone got any thoughts on the spelling?
ROBHURT: yeh
Well, I’m going to take a hot shower. Its like a regular shower, but with me in it.