HUSBAND: I got the dog heart shaped cookies for Valentine’s Day.
ME: *through a mouthful of cookies* The dog?
You Might Also Like
The older I get, the more excited I become about the possibility of getting a motorized scooter.
Getting married at 22 sounds a lot like leaving a party at 9:30pm.
@Holy_Mowgli @funTweeters Glass repairman: I’m shattered
Told my dealer I wanted a shitload of Coke but autocorrect changed it to shipload now I owe a Columbian cartel 18 million dollars
why do “youngster” and “elderly” get to be words, but “oldster” and “youngerly” don’t?
FACT: Uma Thurman is the only person to ever have been named by someone with a mouthful of food.
Words are fun. A “bat” can be a piece of sports equipment or an animal. A “spirit” can be a ghost or a beverage. A “content” creator can be someone who creates videos or who walks around screaming all of the time.
If I were a Greek philosopher, my name would be Mediocrites.
Me: I said you can’t eat candy.
4-year-old: I’m not eating it.
Me: I see it in your mouth.
4: I’m just storing it in my cheeks for later.
My kids left a toy broom, dust pan, and mop on the floor.
I’m impressed.
They managed to make a real mess while pretending to clean up a fake one.
I love October. When else do say things like I’ll take a caramel apple & one ticket to be chased through a farmhouse with a butcher knife please.
I got so shit-faced the other night and when I got home I was starving so I shoved something in the microwave but then I couldn’t warm it up because I couldn’t remember my pin number.
Found a free bandaid at the pool.
paperclip: the staple for people with commitment issues.
When life hands you lemons, help me throw them at the kids on my lawn.
Doctor: how did you hurt your back?
Me: well, I was lying in bed …
Doctor: and?
Me: that’s it
“At your cervix, m’lady”
– me as an OBGYN and also just me
If I meet you for a date and you don’t look anything like your pic, you’re buying drinks for me until you do.
MOTHER-IN-LAW: There are Thanksgiving leftovers in the freezer
ME: Thanks but I…quit cold turkey
MIL: I never wanted you in this family
*walking into Home Depot for 2nd time today*
EMPLOYEE: back again? forget something?
ME: um, you remember if I brought a kid in here with me last time?
If it exists behind a paywall, does it really exist?
Saw a billboard that said “if you can plan a wedding, you can plan for a natural disaster” and like, aren’t those the same thing?
how do lawyers not cry when arguing
Things a raccoon and I have in common:
1) Dark circles around the eyes.
2) Likes eating junk.
3) We’re both cute but will kill you.
i dont understand how humans can land on the moon but also sometimes a snake gets loose from the zoo like are we good at things or not
Let us pray for my Facebook friend who not only has a headache, but her bus is running a bit late too.
What doesn’t kill you is still… going to kill you. Just slowly.
Me, on my 9th plate of nachos: So you’re telling me I have time
Doctor: I think I should refer you to a specialist.
Whoever said your harshest critic is yourself never had an 11 yr old daughter
If I wear a wizard hat and robe to my cousin’s wedding this weekend, I bet no one asks me if I’m next.
Ben-Hur was actually called, Fast & The Furious: Jerusalem Drift, but the name didn’t catch on like they had hoped