Husband: I love everything about you.
Me: Even my toe hair?
H: What toe hair?
Me: *tears up* That’s the most romantic thing you’ve ever said to me.
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My doctor said the claw marks on my face are not from a poltergeist but I should stop trying to put roller skates on cats.
BBC crime shows on Netflix:
– Inspector Grimpenchester
– The Hangman’s Ax
– Get Me Bumblry!
– Miss Lettie Pennyfeather’s Detective Concern
Friend: Did you already eat or do you want to get some food?
Me: Correct.
Before pulled pork, pork just used to stand on the edge of the dance-floor, nodding to the music and looking cool.
Horned lizards can squirt blood out of their eyes when threatened by predators, but my enemies have to be satisfied with my regular tears.
I’m already getting anxious over Christmas due to my Santa Claustrophobia-the fear of being smothered in an elevator by a crowd of Santas.
Every recipe should include ingredients, instructions, and which local restaurant delivers last minute
Dr: You have walking pneumonia.
Me: That’s impossible.
Dr: Wha..
Me: I’ve never walked a day in my life.
It seems I need to also make a list of all the cities I’m not going to, because every time I post my tour schedule, people ask about the cities NOT on the list.
I really only wanna grow old so I can get the senior discount at thrift stores
Walking around cemeteries looking at headstones is a great way to come up with baby names.
Leaving my browser history open in case anyone in this coffee shop tries to steal my laptop when I’m in the bathroom.
My father-in-law spent the morning teaching my daughter Spanish, and it was all wrong.
CNN: We’re not sure but we’ll report it anyway.
Why aren’t there new pasta shapes? We should be treating pasta shapes like iPhones, there should be a keynote every year.
[Catholic church]
*priest hands out “What To Expect At Your Exorcism”Husband: Babe, this isn’t counseling
Me: You said you’d try anything.
So glad our house has 3 bathrooms so all of my kids can argue while brushing their teeth in mine.
*hangs out at graveyard*
I like older men.
My 3-year old daughter said “Daddy I love you” and when I was responding “thanks I love you too” she interrupted me to be like “also I love EVERYTHING.” I’m on the same level as an air fryer
That awkward moment when you realize your wife’s funeral is turning into a sausage-fest.
Nobody is happy. Be like Nobody.
roses are red
bellflowers creep
i’m in your house
watching you sleep
COP: Have you been drinking?
ME: [carrying 2 penguins I just stole] Good God I hope so
marriage counsellor: so what’s the problem?
me: i don’t know
my ‘friend’: i’m tired of you trying to keep our marriage a secret
My son just suggested a foundation to bring young tortoises to important events so that 150 years later people can say “this tortoise witnessed Biden’s inauguration” etc
Grandma confused about Tide Pods “kids these days eating those podcasts”….
Haha good job!!
Sure breakups are hard, but have you ever had to wait for your phone to stop ringing you so you can start using it again?