Husband: I’d rather sleep in the guest room than suffer another night on your new heated mattress pad.
Me: Wait. I’m getting my own room???
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I need an Amazddy. It’s like a sugar daddy, but they randomly pay for the stuff in your Amazon cart.
This tweet was written by M. Night Shyamalan.
I bet you didn’t see that one coming.
Nursing school doesn’t prepare you for the number of elderly patients who will casually confess to decades-old murders.
Barber: Snip snip snip snip snip.
Me: What are you doing?
Barber: I’ve lost my scissors and I was hoping I could trick you into thinking I was cutting your hair by saying snip.
Me: I can see you in the mirror.
I’ve watched this 19 times this morning.
#MyRoommateIsWeird she keeps having babies and making me take care of them. She also insists I call her ‘Wife’
[LA Earthquake]
Me: Wow, do you feel tha-
Husband: *pushes me out of the way and runs down the street screaming* Every man for himself!
I refuse to dismiss Thanksgiving. Any holiday dedicated to food & stretchy pants is worth celebrating.
Pretty nervous about the guy who dropped out of mechanic school the second they showed us how to cut a brake line.
5yo *oldest*: Dad, why do we have to eat our vegetables?
Me: You know what? Our first kid asked the same question
Is it a bad sign when your 8 year old laptop starts smoking?
Or is it just going through a rebellious phase?
Since retiring, my favorite time to get ready to leave the house is eventually.
If I were a manager at Stabucks I would be like, “You showed up latte for work today!” then when the laughing stops, “but no, you’re fired.”
Imagine the towering achievements in aquatecture if sawfish & hammerhead sharks ever get their shit together
Oh, you drink black coffee? Tell your ulcer I said good morning
Dog: You stopped scratching my head? Is everything ok?!
Me: Yes, everything’s fine. I’ve been scratching your head for 15 minutes.
Dog: Problems at home?
Me:
Hate when you’re trying to take a nap and the dentist is all “Please open your mouth.”
It’s that time between Christmas and New Years when the fridge is still packed but with random Christmas items so get ready for a casserole of figs, garlic stuffed olives, pineapple jam, and King’s Hawaiian rolls.
[1st person to try jogging]
Peasant: what chasest thou, m’lady?
Jogger: Nothing. I doth run for mine own pleasure.
Peasant: *suddenly holding a torch and pitch fork* WITCH!!!
I hate it when computer games force you to make lots of difficult choices. My choices are why I’m 34 years old and playing computer games on a Monday. Clearly choices aren’t my strong point.
MY DOG (sitting at the dining room table, doing his homework): What does anthropomorphise mean?
[in restaurant]
“Waiter, I’d like the soup please. What is it?”
“Well, it’s sort of like a drink but with lumps in it”.
In our house, we have mandatory family time where the four of us can only text each other.
my 4yo threw a tantrum because I wouldn’t lock him in a storage bin & reader, I hesitated
Eating Triscuits always feels like I’m chewing very small wicker lawn furniture while a family of dolls in beach outfits stares at me in horror.
The tampon aisle is a terrible place to pick up chicks.
Maybe it’s just me, but I know a few people that Cupid should shoot with a gun.
“I totally didn’t say that.” – God
I really don’t like the person I become when a password expires