Husband is leaning dangerously out of window whilst he cleans it. Only thing stopping me from shoving him out is that he cleans the windows
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When my hairdresser asked me if I intentionally styled my hair like that, I panicked.
I told her someone jumped me in the parking and styled it. I’m a quick thinker you know.
him: who is your fantasy?
me: huh?
him: who would you like to be stuck in an elevator with?
me: the elevator repair man.
Me (flirting) so what day do you have therapy? 😏
(Face painter at kid’s birthday party): …and what shall I paint on your face?
Me: Enthusiasm.
Kim Jong Un has upgraded himself from “Leader of North Korea” to “Supreme Leader of North Korea” by adding sour cream and extra cheese.
NETFLIX: are your kids still watching?
ME: [clicks Continue Raising My Children]
Four men having a little fun at an airport 😀
I thought I was getting myself a new couch but apparently I was getting my dog a new bed
Costco is the only place that you can walk out with a Kayak, twenty pounds of meat, jeans, ten bottles of sun lotion and not look ridiculous
At least we don’t have to wear pants anymore.
[First date]
Me: I’m gonna need to hear how you think the word “loser” is spelled.
I’m so bad at making decisions that whenever I hit a yellow light I scream, open my car door and throw myself out
If someone tells me “don’t be surprised if we find a body” I’m going to be many other emotions first.
Who called it America and not the fast food and the furious?
I like to keep a “wet paint” sign on my office door, so that no one wants to touch the door to come in.
You know what bothers me? When people assume you’re homeless cause you’re asleep on the street and your pants are gone..
What a kind woman! 😂😂
I can’t wait for this whole ordeal to be over, so my favorite pizza place can go back to rubbing their bare hands and feet all over my pizza before delivering it to me, like the good Lord intended.
I ruined our romantic honeymoon to Venice by pronouncing canal wrong the whole time. You know how. You get it. I grow weary of this website
If you aggressively tailgate me in traffic, I will get over and let you pass. And then I’m gonna become your new best friend until one of us exits.
Just ordered Dominos while at Dominos because I need a ride home.
Boys will tell you “wow you sound like an Angel” and you’ll be blushing like werey. Instead of asking him when he don hear Angel voice before
I’ve watched enough Dexter to know if he’s lying about one thing he might also be lying about a lot of other things and secretly a serial killer.
as a job-stealing immigrant, I now have 36 jobs and counting. I keep them in my basement like some kind of job dragon. what u gonna do?
Smoke alarm batteries only die between 2 and 4 a.m.
I don’t make the rules.
Having to sing happy birthday to anyone over the age of 19 is assault.
“We have a new product, it washes hair but it needs a name”
Shamcrap?!
“Awful”
Shampoop?!
“Get out!”
Shampoo?
“Genius!”
My 4yo daughter happily announced that it was “murder season” today, and it took a solid 10 minutes to realize she meant crape myrtle, not murder.
Happy 10th birthday to your dating profile pic.
I grounded my kid from electronics for a week and now he won’t stop talking to me and I think I’ve made a horrible mistake.