the battle rages on
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When you were young, Adele? You’re 28.
Shut the hell up.
If I could give parents one advice it would be to never tell your kids about your good hiding spot. Take that to the grave.
Eating just one animal cracker is impossible. The entire herd must go.
If Shakespeare were being born today, he’d be “Shaxxespyr.”
When my son gets uppity, I like to remind him that I’m totally nailing his mom.
Daughter: dada what are you watching?
Me: my favorite movie A Quiet Place.
Son: what’s it about?
Me: a kid gets eaten by a monster for playing too loud.
[later]
Wife: why are the kids so quiet today?
Me: no idea lol.
Idk how we’re supposed to tell when bleu cheese has gone bad. It’s already bad. Do we just check on it periodically to see if it’s getting worse? Then one day say “this cheese is too worse” and toss it out?
My 6yo wouldn’t eat his chocolate chip muffin bec there were too many chocolate chips in it, and now I…I just…I’m gonna need a min here.
Medusa: ok so I’ve decided I want bangs
hair stylist: *visibly pales
There are two types of people in this world:
1) Good people
2) People who honk immediately when the red light turns green.
[Twister]
DOG 1: left paw green
DOG 2: i told u this was a terrible idea
DOG 1: cmon Jim just pick the green one
DOG 2: THEYRE ALL GREY GARY
I’ll pleasure you in ways you never thought possible like vacuuming and doing dishes
[checking into a hotel]
Front desk employee: Thank you ma’am, we’ll make up a room for you right away
Me: aren’t… aren’t there real rooms here
[first date]
HER: So do you prefer cats or dogs?
ME: *scanning the menu* I don’t even see them on here. What page are you on?
People used to have to hunt for food now its like omg two people are in line ahead of me at Starbucks.
Guys, I gotta run. I left the fire place video streaming.
“honey why is our water bill so high?”
*water bill sits there holding a bong*
hahahah duuuude i don’t know man. DORITOS. DO WE HAVE DORITOS?
“Are you sexually active?”
No
“Any drug use?”
No
*doctor laughs, does the jerk off motion and leaves*
If every human in the world jumps off a mountain we’ll probably eventually evolve to fly.
You can still be mysterious after over sharing cause in that moment everyone is thinking “why would she say that”
Gun people are always like “you can pry it out of my cold dead hands”
Why are you dead in your own story, must not be a very good gun
Elmo: Oscar, why are you a grouch?
Oscar: Growing up, my parents were-
*stabs Elmo with broken beer bottle*
CUZ I LIVE IN A TRASHCAN.
If you want to know what a girl will look like in 30 years, stop talking to her and show up to her house in 30 years to check on her.
Me: did you accidentally shrink my clothes?
Wife: why do you ask?
Me: my t-shirts and jeans don’t fit anymore.
Wife: it’s probably cause of all the muscle you’ve put on recently.
Me: oh yeah [putting four corn dogs in the microwave] you’re probably right.
My kid was struggling to solve a complex math problem and tried unsuccessfully to ask Alexa for help. Being the responsible parent I am, I explained the best way to crowdsource a solution is to post the wrong answer on Reddit and 500 peeps will correct you in minutes.
Imagine if dogs giggled when you tickled them.
I’m trying to envision something more fitting than this election actually ending in a Biden-Trump fist fight and i cannot
so we’ve been wondering why our daughter insists on inserting the short end of the bendy straw into the juice carton. today, she explained her reasoning
Squirrels don’t want to wear shoes no matter how cold it is I tell the emergency room physician