Therapist: Why did you bring a lawyer to a therapy session?
My lawyer: You don’t have to answer that
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Do you ever wonder if your parents spoil your kids to get back at you for what you put them through as a teenager? Because I’m totally thinking of doing that.
(texting gf) In uber. Be home soon. Cant wait to see you (accidentally pressing dictation button) Ohhhh i want a hamburger so bad. Hot dog too. Ohh man I want a mcchicken. me too. Woww I want a burger. Yeah I want a cheeseburger too. Ohhh wow me too. I want a hot dog.With the bun
Make her feel like she’s the only woman on earth. Because nothing makes women happier than feeling like all other women are dead.
Stop blaming plate tectonics; it’s not their fault.
Just tell me which one is wrong, the password or the username!! Don’t make me have to guess.
I scream,
You scream,
We all scream because grandma is visiting for Christmas and she forgot her hearing aids again.
What did the teddy bear eat for dinner?
Nothing. He was STUFFED!
Have you ever been so hungry you’ve eaten fruit
My parents are still threatening to put me up for adoption.
on my monopoly game the community chest cards say shit like: THE REALTOR SHOWING THE HOUSE ACROSS THE STREET GIVES YOU $50 TO CLOSE YOUR GARAGE DOOR
netflix is definitely the most insecure of all the streaming services like be chill bb.
Bartender: What are you drinking tonight?
Me: A lot.
Him: I need to see license, registration and proof of insurance.
Me reaching for purse: again?? Speed dating at a cop convention sucks.
I won $6 on a scratch-off last night. Out of my way, peasants!
Somehow I missed my turn into my driveway and ended up at the pub few blocks over
call me an overworked optometrist the way eye care too much
wife: What’s wrong?
me [annoyed because the kids menu has a picture of a tree on it but they didn’t give me any brown crayons] Nothing
Her: sobbing, smashing Doritos and cupcakes into her mouth*
Him: how was your day, babe?
This guy got on the bus and just stared at me and Lulabelle on my lap for a solid 30 seconds then goes “are you allowed to have dogs on the bus” and I just shrugged thinking he was gonna give me shit or something but then he pulls out a chihuahua out of nowhere
Came inside from a run and my 12 y/o daughter told me I was going to lose my hearing because my headphones were too loud, then I told her she didn’t understand me and slammed my bedroom door so her transformation into her Grandma could be complete.
Originally it was thought that it was our ability to love that made us human. However, it is now believed that it is our ability to pick out photos with traffic lights in them.
[before sex]
me: wait have you been tested
him: yea my cholesterol is a little high
Autocorrect just changed AC to autocorrect even though I meant air conditioning. And I thought I was full of myself.
Because everyone in Italy is quarantined, the natural wildlife has returned to the water and forests ❤️ We are the virus
Since finding a huge spider in my slipper I now keep em on a chair cuz my little brain decided spiders don’t like chairs.
Friend: I’m getting married!
Me: Have you considered just letting a homeless man sleep on your couch, instead?
The Passion of the Christ 2: Jesus in Space
He conquered the sins of the world, but can he conquer the sins of the galaxy?
museum guide: america was founded on july 4, 1776
me: [nodding sagely] ah yes so its a Cancer. this explains everythig
Roman: Any last words?
Jesus: I’ll be back.