Husband: Quick. What’s this song?
Me: Awful.
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Education is vital
From my experience, the worst thing you can say at the end of a date is, “That’ll do, pig.”
diet tip: your pants will never get too tight if you don’t wear any.
Steps into crowded elevator car. Faces everyone. Doors close.
“I’m not sure how long this ride will last so I’ve decided to take a lover.”
“So you’re a poet” says the waitress, gliding past. I vainly attempt to slow my reaction but knock over my beer trying to cover the words ‘glistening moose hips’
Bryan Adams: 🎵 Can’t stop this thing we starrrrted 🎵
Guy in next urinal: Dude, please.
Any other ladies having their period during this Friday the 13th Full Moon want to meet up and combine powers? I’ll bring a salad.
Never ask a woman her age,
Never ask a man His salary
and Never ask
The British Museum how they got so many artifacts.
Drew blood trying to take a sexy lip bite pic and now I’m on vampire twitter. So, bye, I guess.
Oh no, it’s raining! What do I do? What’s a green light? What’s a stop sign? What’s a blinker? Where’s the brake pedal?
~people
HER: my water broke
ME: [looking at my ice cream scoop on the ground] we all have our issues
[ER Triage Room]
NURSE: So what brought you in tonight?
GUY WITH NAIL IN HEAD: My ‘98 Toyota Corolla, but I don’t see how that’s important right now
Underwear and socks come in resealable bags but cereal and potato chips don’t.
Every piece of cake
Every cookie you take
Every bite of steak
I’ll be watching youDogs
[courtroom]
Me: “I OBJECT YOUR HONOR”
Judge: on what grounds?
“LEGAL MUMBO JUMBO”
Prosecutor: he’s good
Judge: *slams gavel* case dismissed.
“There’s no reason to be on Twitter anymore.”
*Every other site goes down*
“Guess who’s back…back again.”
Considering “natural” childbirth?
You wouldn’t have a tooth pulled without painkillers, right? This is an 8lb tooth. From your crotch.
Standing desks become a $1000 charcuterie board since I snack so much.
I knew joining a gym was a bad idea when I got there and needed help pulling the door open.
Halloween is great because you can buy yourself six bags of family size peanut butter M&Ms and nobody asks any questions.
6: that’s none of your business
4: it IS my business
6:
4: what does business mean
Date palm: a tree that also describes my romantic life.
[a guy walking his dog grabs my purse and they run off]
Me: Hey, that’s not nice! You get back here this instant and let me pet that dog!
Raising children takes a village, preferably one with many vineyards.
CO-WORKER: Ten minutes until quitting time!
ME: Wow, you’re resigning too?
I asked my 7yo why she’s so cranky and she said “I just have a lot on my plate right now” at which point my 10yo literally took a fry off her plate and that was not the right move
GPS: You’re not really lost, you just want someone to talk to.
that time I was high af and thought I laid an egg
Here I am, block me like a hurricane.
Apparently showing the pharmacist a picture of my wife was not a good enough reason to get Valium without a prescription.