My tiny son awoke with this thought, “Mommy, my dream was glitching. Why my dream was glitching?”
*scrolls Netflix for The Matrix
It’s time.
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Everyone should own large grizzly bear in case they ever need to defend themselves against one.
Taco Bell is really the only place you can still get gas for $1.29 at the moment.
I love pictures of my children because they don’t talk back.
“Doctor: Put the IV in.
Nurse: The 4 what?”
– chronic problem in Roman emergency rooms
Brit: You don’t say queue in America, do you?
Me: *condescendingly* We say all of the letters here.
If she thinks Simon and Garfunkel are the names of your lawyers, she may be too young for you bro.
Him [sexy voice]: let’s do it on the couch
Me: ew babe no that’s where we eat
People say “you’ll ruin your appetite” like I have to be hungry to eat.
Chicks like it when you let out a loud “AWOOGA” when you see her naked
I was going to suggest a “moot” button for Twitter, but there doesn’t seem much point now.
Me: I pull a sword from my forehead
Nerd: Not realistic
M: so dungeons and dragons are real?
N: …
M: so, I pull a sword from my forehead
Me: i’m just here for shits and giggles
Taco Bell employee: *passes me my order* i can’t promise you the giggles
*shows up to marathon with perfect hair* Yeah I’ve been conditioning a lot for this race
The bright side of global warming is that 100% of our great grandchildren will own beachfront property.
Caller: Emergency Sevices? I’m on fire.
Me: That’s great, keep up the good work.
Beatles were all like “We love women.”
Zeppelin was all like “Bitch, I’m gonna leave you.”
Experts say that human interaction is important for brain health but I’m willing to risk it.
INTERVIEWER: Under special skills, you wrote you can be distant and vague?
ME: *staring out the window* Idk, maybe.
My kids are fighting about who the cat likes more. We don’t even have a cat
The only time my wife will ever scream “DEEPER, DEEPER” is when they are lowering my casket into the ground
this is how life feels
what
Running barefoot, the morning’s dew cool on my feet. My hair flows in the August breeze and I carry with me treasures from my past. I look to the horizon and I see him, my hero. And I smile. For today is Recycling Day and I’ve made it to the curb on time.
DORA: “Swiper, no swiping!”
SWIPER: “oh, man”
*Wealthier fox shows up, swipes everything*
DORA: “That’s OK, it’ll trickle down”
Assassin implies the existence of Assassout and frankly I’m all for it
*at the pond*
“hon—there’s something i need to ask you”*emotional* yes?
*blows duck call*
*ducks on water arrange to spell out ‘TACOS?’*
oh frick my wife just asked me to bring 10 pages of my best “husbanding” to the living room for a review
I love books. You can put them on shelves, that conceal a fireman’s pole, that leads to a cave where you keep a fast car decorated with bats.
I accidentally ate the sticker on an apple. The scan code is inside me and there’s now a beep every time I check out at the grocery store.
“What’s for dinner?”
Updog & chips.
“Does updog have gluten in it?”
No..wait..you’re supposed to say…
“You know I can’t have gluten Karen”