@ramblinma: Husband [through locked door]: "I know you're up, I saw your instagram post."
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@Mr_Kapowski: [magician rolls over in bed] "Last night was amazing" Woman: Magical. Make me breakfast? Magician: [waves magic wand, eats her]
@dafloydsta: [creating squirrels] GOD: How about a nice bushy tail? ANGEL: Perfect. GOD: Now give it some cocaine, lmao. ANGEL: Wtf.
@DumbConfessions: Relationship status: can't go to the same bar as last night, because I'm wearing the same shirt as last night.