@ramblinma: Husband [through locked door]: "I know you're up, I saw your instagram post."
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@DanMentos: *passive aggressively turns off Christmas lights when someone stops too long to look at them*
@EndhooS: [Blind date] Girl: I've always had a bit of a thing for bad boys Dog: [starts putting on his coat] I don't think this is gonna work out
@LoveNLunchmeat: I've been Catholic for years and still have no idea which murders I should confess and which I should keep to myself.
@UncleDuke1969: Government Shutdown: Day Two Mars rover Curiosity sits with nothing to do. Watches all 5 seasons of "The Wire". Totally gets the hype now.