@ramblinma: Husband [through locked door]: "I know you're up, I saw your instagram post."
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@DrDogMD: NURSE: I promise. It's ok. You can come in. MAILMAN (trembling): are..are you sure DR DOG: *locked in his office just going freakin nuts*
@canadian_jane: If cancer is ever cured it'll probably be because of the people who liked all of the Facebook statuses that are against cancer.
@ruinedpicnic: [buying cucumber and vaseline] me: got an awesome night planned clerk: eugh [later, eating a cucumber and vaseline sandwich] this is awful
@TheRolo: Wife: I think we need a break. *Titanic crashes into iceberg* Husband: THAT WHAT YOU WANTED? Wife: Yes.