@ramblinma: Husband [through locked door]: "I know you're up, I saw your instagram post."
YOU MIGHT ALSO LIKE
@michelleisawolf: George Clooney has done so much for the world. All of it to try to get us to forget that he was a terrible Batman.
@thejessbess: I put "the rap" in therapy. Yo, yo. Emotional baggage, bitter like cabbage. Rollin up the green like a Hulked out savage. Burger, Inc.
@robfee: I feel like Frosted Flakes gives kids an unreasonable expectation of how friendly tigers are when you try to feed them a bowl of cereal.
@Bunnydurden: I wish mirrors and cameras would get together and figure out what I really look like.