*Husband using Ouija board after I’ve died*
Please answer me
*arrow moves*
“It’s on the top shelf. Right there. RIGHT THERE! Use your eyes!”
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This day in history. 1973. Pablo Picasso died leaving behind his wife, 4 children, and a dog with piano key teeth and a halibut for a tail.
[1st date]
me: are you cold?
date: *shivering* a little
me: *putting second hoody on* that sucks
[stewardess]
“Sir, even if you ARE, as you say, the REAL Slim Shady- the captain has asked for all passengers to remain seated at this time”
How to cast a summoning spell to bring your children to you, wherever you are: Watch the first 44 minutes of a 51-minute-long murder mystery.
*updates tinder bio*
Brain: Walk up to her and offer her a drink.
Me: I WANT TO DRINK YOU LIKE A SIPPY CUP.
Brain: Can you actually hear me?
You’re not a real teacher until a student shares with you that your fly has been down most of the class period.
What’s with hiking? Leave nature alone, weirdos.
what pushes u to watch 19 seasons of mfs in a hospital??
Welcome to your 50s where the weekend means it’s time to try a new vodka and a new chainsaw at the same time.
I forget, are you supposed to be happy when you see their exes are ugly, or worried that you might be ugly too?
Keith Richards would kill on funny twitter
When a zoo animal dies they always call it “beloved” or a “crowd favorite” like there’s some animal named “Jimmy the zebra everyone hates”
Hilarious now that anyone thought it was a plot hole that after the events of Jurassic Park that people would dare
A) Re-open the park
B) Be eager to visit the re-opened
Park
My 10 yr old thinks I expect too much out of her.
I told her we could discuss it when she gets home from work.
Mechanic: What’s the mileage on your car?
Me, panicking: Umm, 106.7 KROQ
Mechanic: Isn’t that a radio station?
Me: On second thought, I’m good with the old oil.
I bet if Jesus had turned water into Vodka. The Bible would’ve been a lot more interesting.
My man got attacked by a snapping turtle.
I asked the ER doctor if he would get turtle powers and the doctor asked him if he feels safe at home
My tacos arrived with a fork on the plate. I can only guess it’s there to stab potential taco thieves.
How confused about the world are you right now, on a scale of 0 to “trying to figure out a friend’s shower”
my wife’s lover: what about your husband
“he won’t be home from the camouflage store for hours”
[plant in the corner cocks gun]
Not saying it’s hot, but I’m slow-cooking a meatloaf in the back seat of my car so dinner will be ready when I get home.
*Looks out the window to see it raining fire and brimstone* “Oh man my car windows are down!”
Voldemort: I’ve hidden the first part of my soul in a cup full of poison on an island in a lake full of monsters and its all hidden in a cave
Me: and the last piece?
Voldemort: at a high school in a room everyone hides their junk lmao
me: I always follow my moral compass
friend who’s lost in the woods with me: maybe we should’ve followed a compass compass
Me: How did my surgery go
Surgeon: I’m afraid this will be difficult for you to hear
Me:
Surgeon: I accidentally cut your ears off
Going to change my wifi network name to…
Someone Please Help Me
And give this neighborhood something to talk about.
i can’t stop writing holiday rom com synopses so i guess i’ll just continue doing it until my hands fall off
When people ask me if I’m working hard or hardly working, I wanna punch them in the face and ask if they’re hurting hard or hardly hurting.
Studies show that, on average, humans kept in cubicles live just as long as free-range humans.