the funniest thing i’ve ever said was on april 11th 2009 to my dad’s cat and no one else was around to hear it. a car horn honked and he hopped off my bed and ran downstairs and i said “oh shit is your ride here” and laughed alone to myself for like five minutes straight
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Nothing will convince you to never have kids quite like having one.
Partner: It’s either me or the abroad scholarship. Choose
Me: I pick u…
Partner: I knew you lov…
Me: …nited airlines
dating after 40 is like riding a bike uphill through a blazing inferno with flat tires.
Guy who invented coffee:
“Don’t even talk to me until I’ve invented coffee”
The valet at the park washroom isn’t wearing pants, should I tip more or less
[in my bedroom]
Me: …and this is where my wife likes to mix things up *winks*
Friend: Gross. What’s the blender for?
Me: I just told you
My kid just made me google the various answer percentages to cheat a Harry Potter Sorting Hat quiz so she’d get Slytherin- which I guess qualifies her.
-My cat will ONLY drink from a slightly running faucet and she rubs her gums along the side of it.That’s the faucet I brush my teeth from. So basically I’ve made out with my cat.
Therapist: [Puts her pen down. Rubs the bridge of her nose]
Lavender is my latest aromatherapy love, but it’ll be awhile before anything makes me forget about rubber cement.
When you skip while carrying a can of gas people move out of your way. Even if you’re smiling. No one’s happy when you have gas.
*admires David at the museum* I can’t believe a teenage mutant ninja turtle sculpted this
Me irl
i thought lingerie was a type of noodle
when i don’t respond right away: i’m busy, they’ll understand
when someone takes more than three minutes to respond to me: wow ok judas
I was just adoringly watching my dog sleep and he woke up and caught me and now he thinks I’m some stalker weirdo.
[as a lawyer]
me: “permission to approach the bench, your honor”
judge: “granted”
me, whispering: “are you mad at me?”
I don’t know why Squirrels are hiding their disgusting acorns when literally no one else eats them
My daughter just reached for the fridge and I yelled, “DON’T OPEN THE FRIDGE!”
She dropped her hand real fast and was like, “why!? What’s wrong!?”
I said, “what if there’s a salad dressing!?”
She hates me now
Me: This relationship feels very transactional.
Cashier: You gonna buy the gum or what??
ME: I’m gonna punch my boss right on the nose
PRIEST: you can’t tell me about sins in advance
[whispering to paramedic before I pass out] save me but not enough that I have to go to work tomorrow
Them: “Hell hath no fury like a woman scorned”
Me: Hell hath no fury like a woman hungry and a man that won’t decide where to eat
my wife says nobody needs to buy cowboy hats for squirrels but I pointed out none of the squirrels have cowboy hats. It’s an untapped market.
#SomethingYouDontWantToHear
Oops. The surgery went well but…..
Saw a woman leave her dog in the car, engine running, air on. He watched her from the front seat for a moment and then drove away
Me: *rubs broom back & forth in front of kid gliding in heelys
Friend: pls stop curling children
How old are you?
Me: *panics*
Me: *trying to math it out*
Me: *forgets birth year*
Me: * forgets current year*
Me: *runs away*
*finds a corpse in the house*
Oh great, more cleaning.
Kangaroo: SOMEONE TOOK MY BABY
911: try to remain calm
Kangaroo: PLEASE FIND MY…wait..
911: was it in your-
Kangaroo: it was in my pocket
Otters see a butterfly.