I’m not saying my job sucks, I’m just saying that if you tried to abduct me in the office parking lot on my way into work, I’d struggle just until I was out of view of the corporate security cameras. Then I’ll happily get in your van AND I’ll buy you breakfast at Waffle House.
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A pork chop is one of the most dangerous karate moves a pig is capable of.
I say I’m medibaked when I get high cause words are fun, but werges like fantabulous are even more bestacular.
[the ghost of christmas future points at my grave] finally im dead [i lay down in the grave] stop kicking me ghost im not learning anything
If you tell your girlfriend you think the girl at in the corner shop fancies you,
you’ll never have to pop out to get bread and milk again
Karma said if you keep calling her a bitch she’s going to show you what a bitch really is.
Lol #dogsoftwitter
My wife and I can’t agree on appropriate gardening attire. But she’s digging in her heels.
#NationalGardeningDay
[first date]
Her: Dating is so hard now. There are so many weirdos out there, right?
Me: *loud prolonged dolphin screeching sound*
Word of advice to all the babies readying to leave the womb: Don’t.
Avocado Toast was invented by the Deep State as a way to suppress the economic advancement of millennials
We’re at the top of the food chain, but let’s not be too full of ourselves.
After all, some of us can be felled by a single peanut.
*knocks on door*
You’re too fat.
“Wha–”
You’re way too dumb.
“Wait–who..”
Hi, I’m Roy. I sell insecurity systems. You’re too poor for one.
I bought a baby monitor but my house is very small so now I just get to listen to my son cry in surround sound.
Remember before social media when we foolishly wished we could read people’s thoughts?
In 1508, the French town of Autun sued all the local rats for eating crops. The rats’ lawyer successfully argued that as the rats might encounter dogs or cats on the way to defend themselves in court, the trial was unfair.
DAD: My daughter ran away [hands him old photo]
DETECTIVE: You have a recent photo?
DAD: [shows him 9,674 selfies with the dog filter]
It’s that time between Christmas and New Years when the fridge is still packed but with random Christmas items so get ready for a casserole of figs, garlic stuffed olives, pineapple jam, and King’s Hawaiian rolls.
maybe ancient civilizations wouldn’t have died out if they’d built regular buildings instead of these dumb ruins
The 5 second rule doesn’t apply when you drop the last m&m in the bag. If it takes an hour to find it, so be it.
CAPTAIN AMERICA: *punches guy* Take that villain
CAPTAIN BRITAIN: *punches guy* Take that guvnor
CAPTAIN CANADA: *punches guy* I am so sorry
*teenage girl breaks pencil*
“I CAN’T EVEN WRITE NOW!”
My “life hack,” channel on YouTube is super popular but it’s just me ordering my assistant to make a meal, clean the clothes, scale a building using only twine. Put a mastiff face on the cheetah in the CRISPR lab, steal a kidney in a car, not a hotel room…. Pretty mundane.
“My god,” I whisper as the food arrives. “Just as the prophecy foretold.”
My cat knocked my phone into the toilet so now I have to shop for a new cat.
Park Ranger: Careful, someone saw a coyote out here earlier
Me: Ok, thanks
-20 minutes later-
*drives into a rock painted like a tunnel
Yeah, I use She pronouns.
But not like a girl, like a boat.
The heels stay on during sex because I only painted the toe nails that were showing.
Girlfriend: YOU NEED TO MOVE ON
Me (sliding Blockbuster card back into my wallet): I’m trying…
Swim up bars combine my two favorite things. Drinking and peeing in hotel pools.