Husband: Wouldn’t it be easier to buy a larger size jeans?
Me: (on roof) Just hold out my skinny jeans for me to jump into like we planned!
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me: I wish for infinite wishes!
genie: ok
me: wait are you serious
genie: [exhaling cigarette] yeah I don’t give a shit
them: do you promise to tell the truth, the whole truth, and nothing but the truth, so help you god?
me: finger quotes sure
“I just bought a kitchen stove, but you know, you can never have too many of those. I should buy one for every room in the house.” -how Amazon believes people think
gf: you should learn from your mistakes
me: ok! so teach me
Okay, wait a second. I pee, I do my belt, THEN I wash my hands. I don’t know about you but I’ve never, ever washed my belt.
My GF just passed the Bar. Not only will I be a stay at home Dad Im suing everyone.
If you haven’t seen one before, may I introduce the Secretary bird.
Therapist: Are you still obsessively using emoji descriptions to talk?
Me: Mad devil
Therapist: You have to stop
Me: Crying cat
Therapist: No
Me:
Therapist: Very good
Me: Dancing lady
My laugh is like what you’d hear if a hyena and seal were mating and it wasn’t going very well.
hello, this is your hindsight talking, that is a very bad idea, don’t do that
Being a wife and mom is kind of like being a lawyer, everyone hates you until they need you
Would bet there’s a math equation that can tell how many kids a person has by measuring the amount of Cheerios on the floor of their car …
if they played poker with potato chips I’d have a gambling problem
My tallest finger wants to give you a standing ovation.
Bravo!
Burning bridges was a lot easier when 7 out of 10 people had lighters in their pockets.
when you do a big stretch & hear a crackling noise, that’s ur bones clapping because you did a good job
I was trying to throw out one of the 3 year old’s toys because he hadn’t touched it in a year.
Faced with the loss he suddenly decided his neglected toy was everything and he couldn’t live without it and totally lost his mind and…
ahh beans, he’s inherited my break up angst.
Christ it is annoying when my parents need help on their failing farm. I always get there and theres a hunk with a toolbox whos like “I’m helping your parents now, with my tools” and I’m like “get out of here!” and then we do end up falling into a marriage. every spring with this
According to this bathroom stall, my ex changed her number again.
The only time I’m happy that I’m short, is when I’m laying down in the bath and my whole body is covered
can’t believe I got front row seats
*learning CPR*
CPR dummy: I have a boyfriend.
lawyer: “my client claims the altercation began because – and i quote – “he came at me sideways”
crab: “in my defence..”
ME: I’m just gonna take a quick nap.
KIDS: Check out the new cirque du soleil show we invented.
*living room is on fire*
I dunno Discovery Channel, if you think crabs are the deadliest thing you can catch, you’ve obviously never slept with my sister Ashley.
If a stranger starts talking to me in an elevator I say “I don’t want to talk in case we get stuck and I have to eat you” that usually shuts them up.
The government isn’t using twitter to spy on you. They are using EVERYTHING to spy on you. Amazon? Spy. That banana? Spy. Your mom? Spy.
shaking hands is weird, it’s like “hey, i don’t know you. let’s touch each other”
If he says I love you and you’re not ready to say it back, just say “I know.” He’ll think you’re being cute and quoting Star Wars. Win-Win.
Worst Native American name ever.