Husband: You cut your hair!
Me: …
H: It looks good! I like it!
…
Me: I cut my hair 3 weeks ago.
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crazy
[blind date]
Me: Oooh here she comes. Ok fella act cool. YOU GOT THIS
Her: Hi, I’m Linda
Me: *nose-whistles Despacito in its entirety*
Me: Ugh HBO is so annoying only releasing one episode at a time so I have to wait a whole week for the next one.
Also me: Ugh Netflix is so annoying releasing the entire series at once so I finish it in 2 days and have nothing to look forward to.
Alexa: remind me to feed the baby
Stop using “leggy” to describe tall women when it was clearly made to describe spiders.
[apocalypse]
Day 5: sickness is spreading rapidly
Day 34: the streets are filled w death. There’s no joy left in the world
Day 69: LOL 69
I’ve been battered by seafood puns
oh my cod
Sin?
I thought you said gin.
*shrug*
Either way, make mine a double.
Come back with a warrant
[Comes home and wife is laying in bed with Another Man]
“Hey”
Hi
“Can I ask you something?”
Yup
“Why’d you name the dog ‘Another Man’ babe?”
In my younger days, I was bullied. Fed up one day I punched the biggest kid in class. I think about that teaching job often.
You know what rhymes with, “I’m Fine” ?
“More Wine”
It’s so annoying when you love someone and want to spend the rest of your life with them and they don’t accept your friend request.
He has found a brilliant way to automatically keep all the horses warm, fed, and clean.
He’s a stable genius.
Daddy! Tell me a story..
The Tooth Fairy is really a wicked witch, who takes all your teeth if you sleep with your mouth open.
Good night.
kids play hide and seek like
Once I was in an elevator w/ 5 strangers & a lady ran up at the last second. Instead of helping her, we all watched the doors close. I said, “Good. I never liked her” to what I thought would be big laughs. Nope. As I rode 10 floors in thick silence, they shut me out even harder
*Takes one bite from every item in the work refrigerator*
Why is it called a bathroom towel and not a john linen?
I borrowed $500 from a co-worker then paid a homeless guy $8 to kill him in a McDonald’s bathroom. I’m up $405 or whatever.
My friend: Have you ever tripped on mushrooms?
Me: Yeah I’m very clumsy
Sushi’s just never quite as good re-heated the next day.
People in my office act like they’ve never seen someone in formal working pajamas before.
Me: The only thing I’m guilty of is starting singalongs
Judge: And that you killed a man
Me: put a gun against his head
Jury: pulled my trigger now he’s dead
Judge: mama
[Extremely heavy metal voice]
HELL YES I WOULD LOVE TO HOLD YOUR BABY
[during sex]
her: choke me
me: {drops a popcorn kernel into the back of her throat}
God: How’s it going on Earth
Angel: They made a mayonnaise flavored ice cream
God: Send a flood. Send several floods
ruin a date by talking about marriage and then following through on it
Daylight Saving Time starts this evening, turn your clocks forward and change smoke alarm batteries before going to bed tonight.
And for my next trick, I’m going to make this first date the last date.