“hush little baby” is my favorite lullaby that teaches infants about rampant consumerism
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Toddler: *crying* where are my cheese pants!?
Me: your what?
Toddler: MY CHEESE PANTS
Me: I’m confused
Toddler: I NEED MY CHEESE PANTS
Me: *crying* someone help me
“She liked it but it didn’t have a bay window for her cat,” said the House Hunters narrator before walking into the sea.
as i search desperately for my floor, panic rises in lieu of the elevator
Interviewer: describe a time when you were asked to do something you were uncomfortable doing and you declined
Me: no
Inside the heads of four JCrew models.
Me: Why did you throw that pencil at your brother?! You could have poked his eye out!
9: But I didn’t
Me: Not now but it could have hit him
9: But it didn’t
Me: That’s not the point! He could have gotten hurt
9: But he didn’t
Me: (pulls out wine cork with teeth)
What if, instead of candy we give out things we no longer want, like a scratched up non-stick pan
Sometimes my southern accent sneaks out. Like just today I meant to say “You all” and instead I had sex with my cousin.
Me: I got my first TOTD! It’s exciting!
Him: What’s that?
M: um, well, it’s an imaginary trophy…
H: well then I’m imaginary proud of you.
You can totally spray tan your baby, it’s not illegal.
“Sheer Arrogance”
My mom always said carry a jar of pickles in the store when pregnant and throw it on the ground as a decoy if your water should break, but now that I’m old I carry one in case I pee my pants.
i never got involved in drugs as a youngster bc there was too much spice girls dance choreography to learn.
ME WATCHING OLYMPIC EVENT: “Holy shit that was amazing!”
COMMENTATOR: “Ooh, that was not good at all. He must really be upset with himself.”
Developer: We have a problem.
Manager: Remember, there are no such things as problems, only opportunities.
Developer: Well then, we have a DDoS opportunity.
[dating site message]
So is that blank silhouette in your profile a recent blank silhouette?
While staying at hotels, I always ask for the oil stained parking lot view
All I’m saying is, the minute Canada starts refining its maple syrup reserves into weapons-grade Aunt Jemimium, we’re all French toast.
Jesus: love your neighbor
Me: aw thanks, yours is also great
To the person who stole my place in the queue.
I’m after you now.
You do not have to prove your own humanity to others. Unless it’s a captcha.
I just want a woman to look at me the same way my cat does when I’m eating a piece of chicken.
All the other soldiers are mad at me because I keep making helicopter noises when they’re trying to sleep
A $300 dollar bat won’t fix a $2 dollar swing
-life lessons from Softball Coach
New slogan for cats: “Ever go to the zoo and want to snuggle a tiger but don’t want to die? Cats.”
Operator: 9-1-1, what’s your emergency?
Me: Yeah, hi, so what’s the rules about seizing assets in a citizen’s arrest cuz I just saw someone jaywalk with a soft serve cone and it looked very tasty
If I was a magician I’d ask someone in the audience for a $20 bill and then just run away. You could prob make like $40 doing that.
Fight fire with water. Idiots.
Thinking about going to 50 Shades and eating loudly the whole time.