It’s weird when one person from your college friend group gets rich but you’ve all stayed in touch & their Facebook posts are like “I have always loved Pearl Jam & it was magical to see them perform on my back patio for my birthday!!!”
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Twelve years ago today, my brother gave me one of his kidneys. I still can’t believe that he did it. I wasn’t even sick.
Ladies, you want to get a man to leave you alone? Just whisper those 2 magic words: I’m pregnant
I like that they just call it brown sauce. I mean, can you be a little more vague, please. What the hell’s actually in that stuff?!
1 mojito, 2 mojitos, 3 mojittos, 4 mojjitus, 5 mogytus, 6 mujhitosos, 7 mojhgbvftos, 8 modfgtrescos
Some of you are boycotting sex the same way are you are boycotting owning a Maserati.
wife: STOP, you’re turning into your father
me: well, he shouldn’t be standing in the driveway like that
The internet is undefeated.. 😂
Ion see the issue
Dating app: If you were a bird, what kind of bird would you be?
Me: I’d be a subway pigeon or one of those crows that eats mostly garbage
HER: You look so nervous.
ME: *nervously* HA. I’m never nervous.
HER: You’re sweating.
ME: *just freaking out* That’s bravery moisture.
Who are you going to trust, some real doctor who says it’s impossible to make you a centaur, or me, the guy with a hacksaw and half a horse?
interviewer:
are there any accomplishments from your last job that you’re particularly proud of?me:
i’m responsible for ten new rules in their employee handbookinterviewer:
that’s great! you wrote them?me:
that’s not what i said
*Trying to converse at a party*
Me: Your hair and nails don’t really keep growing after you die- it’s that your skin is receding
Woman: Please stop talking and just make the balloon animals
My husband pissed me off so I wrapped his remote and put it under the tree.
I’m doing the 30 day taco cleanse
I smoked e-cigs for so long that I got e-cancer. I’m ok though, I just swallowed a Norton Antivirus cd and it cleared things up.
There are two types of people in this world. Those who make fun of Wordle. And those who can solve a Wordle.
99% of my socks are single. You don’t see them crying about it.
What wine goes well with two ungrateful teenagers, an oppressive boss and insurmountable credit card debt?
Kanye West tweeted that Bill Cosby is innocent?
This is the last straw.
He just lost my vote in 2020.
For my niece’s 7th birthday, I’m filling a pinata with a smaller pinata. When she breaks it open I’m gonna yell “Oh God! She was pregnant!”
“Check engine”
Yep, it’s still there.
Reasons I wish I was an octopus:
1. I could hold every slice of a pizza.
2. 8 votes at the PTA meeting.
3. Stop sign hugs.
Don’t you hate it when you march into the depths of hell and then you can’t remember what you went in there for.
Last night I was walking Bizzy, and a friendly stranger asked how old she was. When I told him, he said: “She don’t walk like she’s 15 though!!!” I…I think he catcalled my dog?
Someone asked me if I’d found my soulmate and I was like lol I cant even find my debit card.
As always, Wile E. Coyote’s plan had unexpected consequences.
I wish I had the exciting social life my mom must have envisioned when she used to stitch my name into my underwear.
Cop: We found a decapitated body in the bay. Looks like he was attacked by a shark.
Chief: Did you get his name?
Cop: Sharks don’t have names, Chief.