Hypothetically, when is the right time to tell your divorce attorney that you’ve never been married and you love spending time with him?
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how do they know an animal is extinct like??? u looked everywhere????
“If ya wanna go and take a ride with me / wear your seatbelt” – Nervous Nelly
Hey, Sean Bean, it’s either Shaun Baun or Seen Been. You can’t have it both ways.
The Hello Kitty exorcism kit includes my gullibility for being duped into buying her cute products again.
My wife is browsing at Michaels and I’m doing this
bank website: you have one password attempt remaining before we kill your entire family
[spider walking into first spin class] What’s the deal with the bikes?
*Dog begging for chocolate bar*
“Dogs are so dumb, always wanting stuff that’ll kill them.”
*lights cig, cracks beer, finishes burger*
a good rule of thumb is to try to live your life in such a way that when you die, your funeral’s not drowned out by the world cheering
We’re going to run out of sausage if no one ever wants to know how it’s made
Mailmen are basically reverse garbagemen.
[ asteroid approaching earth ]
me: *slapping baseball mitt*
trust my gut? the thing that can’t even handle milk?
*Flicks cigarette after a long drag* Here’s the thing, kids. Wolves don’t have lips so they can’t blow at all. That wolf was framed.
“I hope she got fat, I hope she got fat” – me looking up an ex girlfriend on Facebook.
Koolaid kid: *walks through doorway* Hi dad
Koolaid man: Young man, if you’re living in this house you’ll crash through the wall like the good god Madison Avenue intended!
If you love something, set it free…
Except if ‘It’ is a man.
Because he’ll get lost,
and won’t ask for directions.
When I weakly slam the microwave door, but it doesn’t latch and springs back to smack me in the face… I probably deserved that.
[i read a pun]
me: ugh, no[i make a pun]
me: BEHOLD THE ARTISTRY
[10,000 BC]
Primary cause of death: Eaten[Now]
Primary cause of death: Eating
left this note on the counter last night and my dad called me out of my room to talk about it
me, after making no effort to address a complaint: how about now
Hip-Hop & Dancing go hand & hand for my generation.
ME: Good date?
FRIEND: Ok. Until he got undressed
ME: Then what?
FRIEND: [sticks out pinky finger]
ME: Ah. Then he drank tea in a fancy way
I’m at my creepiest when I see a drunk chick crying outside of a bar and just think ‘bingo
You never say “I love you” back
Tater tots:
There’s a serial killer in our house! Normal people: “CALL THE POLICE, LETS GET OUT OF HERE!” – In movies: “Lets go find him” -___-
[Interview]
Him: Your resume just says you can have Friday afternoons off.
Me: Sounds great. I’ll take it.
This guy thinks he can take my girlfriend home with him just because he bought her a few drinks and he’s married to her. Men.
I will never refer to ‘drunk me’ or ‘sober me’ because that implies the second one exists.