An apple a day keeps no one away unless you have meticulously good aim.
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Google Maps places way too much faith in my ability to find my destination on my left in 800ft
If your child walks out of the bathroom with a cup of water, always ask where the water came from. I know this now.
me: can I buy you a drink?
girl: sorry [holds up martini] already got one
me: [spits in it] How about now?
Sir, I cannot take you seriously. You’re wearing capris. Capris. CAPRIS.
*first year living alone*
Me: *runs out of bedroom on Christmas Day to find no presents* what
Me, “There’s a warning light on in my car.”
Husband, “What does it say?”
Me, “It’s just a picture of an oblong thing.”
H, “The engine?”
Me, “It looks more like a submarine.”
H, “WHY WOULD THERE BE A SUBMARINE WARNING?”
Me, “Exactly what I thought. We are so connected.”
[Turing Test]
Tester: Let’s start with an easy one, the square root of 29241?
Subject: 171!
Tester:
Subject: I meant, idk math is hard. lol
Cat: I want attention.
Me: *pets cat*
Cat: the f*** you think you’re doing??
I made a clone of myself to do the dishes, another to do the laundry, and another to do the cooking, but we’re all sitting on the couch watching tv.
Hot single dads in your area AREN’T WORKING 60 HOURS A WEEK FOR YOU TO AIR CONDITION THE WHOLE NEIGHBORHOOD SHUT THE GODDAMN DOOR.
My husband asked how he could make me happy and I said “hold on, I have a list” and he laughed, but it wasn’t funny because I did have a list.
[science fair]
Judge: each contestant is scored on 5 factors with the highest being the winner
Me: long sandwiches should have suitcase handles
Judge: ok you’re definitely the highest
What Did I Just Touch and Why is It Wet!?
A Parenting Story
This store brand ice cream tastes like someone tried chocolate once, then spent years drunkenly trying to recreate it in a lab
Me: [when I like someone on Twitter] you’re a wonderful human being and I love you
Me: [when I like someone in real life] *velociraptor noises*
The actors are getting so old in the Fast and Furious franchise, the next movie will be them stuck in a grocery store parking lot
Roses are red, violets are-
Guy who named red onions: Blue! Violets are definitely blue!
Post-it Note stuck to desk: Stop wasting Post-it Notes!
A lot of people don’t realize that Shania Twain’s father, Mark, was actually a pretty good writer.
I am not a woman who can exercise with makeup on without ending up looking like a Salvador Dali painting
I know this now
If I believed changing my profile picture could change the world I’d change it to a picture of vending machines that dispense tiger cubs
yall want some gasoline milk
I hate the number 7 like “ohh look at me I’m all prime and lucky ohhhh”. You’re just a wonky 1, grow up already
Hell is where Sarah Palin is president, Taylor Swift is in love with me, and Kim Kardashian names all the children
You washed your hands? Be honest. Your hands washed each other, and you just watched like a sick freak.
Edward Scissorhands is the story of someone who can’t help cutting and poking holes in everything he loves. It’s about a cat.
I need plastic surgery to fix whatever it is about my face that gives people the impression I want to hear about their relationship problems
*Buys map of world, pins up on wall
*Throws dart, swears to visit wherever it lands
*packs for wall 3 feet away
*has an amazing time at wall
let me be very clear: i would rather attend a Pig’s wedding than attempt to sift through the dumpster you people have made out of my dm box,
The main reason I’ve never committed armed robbery is directly related to how terrible I look on security footage.