I accepted the Microsoft terms and conditions without reading them, and apparently I’m now responsible for hemming all of Bill Gates’ pants.
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Most guys will go gay for the night with the right amount of sangria & Foreigner playing in the background
Don’t ask me how I know
this is going to be a tight week. is stealing still wrong and stuff?
“Quality over quantity” hmm? Thank you for passing along this incredibly deep thought, Dr. Philosophy. I’m really anticipating your next piece of sage wisdom…perhaps “open the door before trying to walk through it?”
Call me crazy but “dropping the ball” does not sound like a good way to start off a new year.
Tell me a story and include details but not too many details like I don’t need to know about a suspicious mole
Parents please check your kids’ Halloween candy. Just found an orca inside of a Hershey bar. Stay safe this Halloween.
Whoa whoa whoa… I was stalking her first buddy…
i am yelling at all my family members right now, does anyone need someone yelled at, WILL YELL FOR FREE
You never know how fast you can run until the parents yell, “the last to reach the bus will volunteer as a volunteer parent at school”.
[furiously trying to stir a stick of butter into a glass of milk]
“Don’t you wish there was an easier way?”
[cut to carton of butter milk]
I’m in awe of people who can pronounce camaraderie correctly the first, second or tenth time.
I am a mother, of course I talk to myself. I am the only one in this house that listens.
Pro-tip: instead of telling a woman she looks tired, make her day by saying literally anything else
GF: I think I’m gunna start a Twitter account
Me: *whips head around* I’ll help you set it up!
*Grabs GF’s phone and hurls it into the Sun*
Her: Wow, you know all the right moves in bed. How’s about a second go but this time lose the hat
Ratatouille hiding in my hair: Tell her your head is cold
This is the worst carnival ever. I can’t believe they blocked the street off for this.
Sir, this is a crime scene.
I’m wearing nike pants so you have to just do it…
Coach: Ice cream! My treat
Kids: Yay— wait where’s ours?
Coach: My treat
Unless someone tries to take a kneecap out with a crowbar, I have no interest in watching the Olympics.
I don’t drive a flashy car, but the cop behind me does.
[standing at your brisket smoker with a baggie of hot dogs] “Would you cook these for me?”
The phrase “you two deserve each other” sounds like a compliment, but never is.
ME: How are you?
GUY WHO JUST FOUND OUT ABOUT THE WORD ROBUST: Robust.
I am not “living in fear”, I am “making reasonable efforts to not get COVID again because the first time I had it I ran a fever so high that I briefly met God and got to ask Him about His favourite wing sauce”, hope this helps
I keep a length of dental floss inside my perpetually furrowed brow.
[during sex]
Hand me my reading glasses
my widow: I remember how he drank eight glasses of water a day
[elsewhere]
crematorium worker: WHY ISN’T HE BURNING
I hate when people refer to some tv shows or snacks as “guilty pleasures.” You shouldn’t feel guilty based on what you’re eating or watching. You should feel guilty all the time.
Real person: Do you have Twitter? I’ll follow you! Me: Nope, sorry. Don’t have a phone or a computer. Or a microwave. Hard times and all..
I can still party like I’m 22.
Too bad I recover like I’m 82.