I accepted the Microsoft terms and conditions without reading them, and apparently I’m now responsible for hemming all of Bill Gates’ pants.
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I’m on the fence about whether to continue spying on my next door neighbours.
If two wrongs don’t make a right, I might as well try for three.
I don’t consider it a good night out if it doesn’t end up as a super villain’s origin story
Goat: So, I make a ridiculous sound?
God: Yes.
Goat: Anything else weird I should know about?
God: Horizontal Pupils
Goat: What the- *stiffens, falls sideways*
God: YouTube is gonna love you.
[high school reunion]
me: u remember me skipping math class to see u
ex: aww yeah
me: [gets out pile of papers] now do my taxes
When my wife got her tongue pierced I asked her why? She said To enhanthe the thektual thimulation.
This is how classically trained musicians beautifully battle on stage
Sometimes when I get a retweet… I blow on my phone, twirl it and slide it into my belt holster, then ride off into the sunset like a dork.
FRIEND: Women like guys that are mysterious.
{Later}
DATE: So, tell me about yourself.
ME: No.
My dog is so strong, she pulled me over the other day. I didn’t even know she was a cop.
Teacher: I’m worried because your daughter keeps spelling her name T-R-M-N-L.
Me: but I just taught her how to spell PAIGE.
Teacher: tell me what you told her.
Me: P as in Pterodactyl, A as in Artist, I as in Imaginary, G as in Gnat, and E as in Elephant.
[avengers trailer drops]
ME: ok wow everyone needs to relax a bit geez
[john wick trailer drops]
ME: EVERYONE SHUT UP KEANU AND HIS DOG ARE IN DANGER
Nature Fact: baby bears are born with fur because a mother bear can’t bear to bear a bare bear
my best friend is a guy and we have a pact that if we’re both still single at 37 we’ll hunt each other for sport
BREAKING NEWS
Justin Bieber said… And I quote, “Only God can Judge me!”
THIS JUST IN
…Apparently I’m God.
celebrating pi day by not knowing when to stop
she loves me [takes bite of hotdog]
she loves me not [takes another bite of hotdog]
Anyone who tells you to get kids to help more around the house has never asked kids to help more around the house.
My wife is great at multitasking. She can be mad at me for five different things at the same time.
*first day in prison
*walks up to biggest guy
*asks for WiFi password
have a nail gun and some boards laying around? show him you love him by adding some attractive wood paneling to his car
When I was a kid I used to yell at my grandma for drinking and driving and she was like “it’s Diet Coke” and I was like “but the tv said!” So what I’m saying is, kids really don’t know shit
#ImNotWorriedCuz I’ve got a license
I trick people that I know Spanish by quoting fragments of Spanish songs I know, la bamba.
WORM: Why do caterpillars think they are better than us?
OTHER WORM: *is drowning in a very shallow puddle*
If anyone needs like five things 25% done and no things 100% done, just let me know.
Mom there’s a boogie man in my closet!
*mom looks and I’m standing there with an afro in a satin shirt and platform shoes
Don’t act like you’ve never used a pair of binoculars to try to peer through another pair of binoculars.
Home is where the tap water doesn’t taste funny.
Went to a parade.
For an hour, bored people on floats waved.
For an hour, My 2-year-old waved back.
It was the greatest day of her life.