I accidental typed sinroof instead of sunroof and I may have just invented the greatest thing ever.
You Might Also Like
Me: I really like your glasses. They’re so cute.
Cashier: I like yours too.
Me: Oh, thank you. I need them to see.* I need them to see?!? I shouldn’t be allowed to speak 😂
Fidel Castro was alive?
Coworker: Oh wow are you sick?
Me: No, Greg, I’m just ugly.
zookeeper: have you folks seen the lions yet?
me: no, not yet!
zookeeper : ok *starts sweating* well stay calm and let someone know if you do
It’s October which means it’s basically Halloween which means Thanksgiving is right around the corner which means it’s pretty much Christmas so Happy New Year everyone.
[on a movie date]
me: wanna kiss
date: no thanks
me: *turning to the other person next to me* what about u
Dateline has taught me that the day I light up a room, my days are numbered.
What did people do with pineapple before pizza was invented?
An adult is a person who makes noise when they stand up.
A few years ago I began putting away a dollar everytime I wrote a good tweet about hedgehogs.
I need a new financial plan.
“As far back as I could remember I always wanted to shut an island” – Leo DiCaprio in Shutter Island
If you don’t let me in the bathroom, I can’t guarantee your safety when you pee.
~dogs, apparently
UK English: colour, realise, marvellous
US English: color, realize, marvelous
Canadian English: All of the above are correct. We will use both in the same article and its useless to try and stop us, spellcheck softwares.
Pillow 1: I hate their big heads
Pillow 2: And that dandruff
Pillow 1: Sometimes he puts me between his legs
Pillow 2: GROSS*Pillow Talk
me: how was your day
5: my day was horrible! i wanted to stay home but you made me go to school so i went! but then i went to the library and got a book, and made a book mark. it was great!
[first date]
Her: I just love eating clean and staying healthy, you know?
Me:*flashback to the time I cry-ate two lasagnas* Totally
Not now. I’m deglazing.
Aries: You will be transported into a video game. Don’t get excited. You’ll be a tree.
the next time u see a fork in the road, just try to remeber that at least, no mater wat u did, u werent the person who tried to eat the road
I don’t want to sound alarmist, but EEEEOOOO EEEEOOOO ANK ANK ANK ANK WOO-OOP WOO-OOP WOO-OOP
Bad hair day 429: I no longer look as though I’ve been electrocuted, but the birds, so, so many birds
Fun fact: if you say “I did the math,” nobody argues with you because they don’t want to have to redo the math themselves.
“That’ll be $19.94.”
*pulls out $50 bill*
“Sorry, we’ve had a problem with counterfeit bills. Have anything smaller?”
*pulls out $25 bill*
I think it’s a bad sign that when 9 tries to play charades, everyone’s first guess is “constipation.”
My grandma & grandpa’s double headstone reads “I tried” and “No you didn’t”
man I hope machines don’t become sentient robots in my lifetime because my voicemail lady would straight up kick the shit outta me
If they stop texting back you need to assume they’ve died and move on. If you see them out just smile because you ain’t afraid of no ghost
moms in horror movies
ME: I have very bad gas
BRITISH LADY [holding her nose]: omg what
ME: sorry I have very bad petrol
Her: What’s your fantasy?
Me: Sexy nurse!
H: Meet me in the bedroom.
[10 minutes later]
*we both come in wearing nurse costumes*
M: Uh.