I accidentally answered my phone & panicked when I heard someone say “hello?” so I just did the best I could & made the fax machine noise.
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Side effect of quarantine is it’s really hard to end phone calls. Twice today I almost said “okay I have to run” before realizing there is nowhere to run to
My sister got that phone call from school that everyone fears… her kid has LICE, so she asked me what to do and I told her to pick up lots of wine because if she’s going to have lice then she might as well be drunk and have lice.
[teaching my 3yo the alphabet]
“Ok what’s a word that starts with Q”
cucumber
“That’s uh… I don’t… let’s pick this up again tomorrow”
Me: *finishes up dinner date*
Me: *sits down at new table* Sorry I’m late, traffic was awful
Her: …you were literally sitting at the table right next to this one
Because I’m a loving wife I got my husband some chocolates for Valentine’s Day and because I’m his wife I ate all of them.
(Vegan zombie)
“Mmmm ….. grains”
“What are we doing here, Marcy?”
“Seeing how I’d look with bangs.”
My girlfriend bought a bag from another woman on FB marketplace…she had me go pick it up and I wound up grabbing it from…the other woman’s boyfriend, whom she had dispatched to hand it over
*15 seconds into makeup application*
I’m bored. This is good enough.
Daughter: Why don’t kids at school get my sarcastic humor?
Me: Because they have boring parents, darling.
A popsicle stick makes a great bookmark. But eat the popsicle first. Don’t make the same mistake I did.
I’m tired of being told to remove my card rapidly. Starting a new ATM for people who wanna remove their card at a more chill pace
mfs take one picture in a suit then start posting quotes about success, just go to the wedding bro
I could never trust Jon Bon Jovi after he sang “ohhhh we’re halfway there” on track 3 of a 10 track album.
I call bullshit, airport baby changing station! I wanted an Asian baby but I’m stuck with the white kid I flew in with.
If he asks you to be his girlfriend say yes and then hide from him so he can never break up with you.
Sing like no one is listening.
Dance like you need to be shot with a tranquilizer dart.
Inception (2010) – Five men and one woman plot to nap on a plane.
[counseling]
She gets angry a lot
“He took me camping and left me in the middle of nowhere”
YOU SAID YOU LIKED SURVIVOR, KAREN
A guy laughed at me because I only have a 19″ TV. I suggested we not laugh about how many inches things are. That shut him up.
cut negativity out of your life. delete Facebook. block your landlord’s number. uninstall your banking app. stop paying taxes. forget math. self care.
As a parent you get to see just how much a baby accomplishes in its first year of life. Because you’re awake for all of it.
You can’t stop your dogs from barking by yelling at them. They’re just like hell yes we’re all yelling now let’s all keep yelling this is great
when you’re broke you really start pondering. like if i didn’t buy that taco in 2018 i would have that $6 rn
When the nun comes around to collect the offerings, I shell out a handful of change and a cucumber then give her a wink and a thumbs up.
“Miley Cyrus: ‘Society Wants to Shut Me Down'”. Not down, Miley. Up.
Every man was once a man trapped in a woman’s body.
Interstellar (2014) – A widower utilizes mankind’s greatest technology to get as far away as possible from his kids.
Worm: If you cut a glow worm’s tail off, he’ll be de-lighted haha
Me: I don’t get it
Early bird: I do
My lucky number is 17 so I’m really hoping that 2017 is finally going to be my year. Otherwise, I’ll have to change my lucky number again.