I accidentally answered the phone with my last name and got promoted to homicide detective
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That’s not a tweet.
Alcohol: Yes it is.
Why do all Gas Station restrooms look
like you just walked in on an exorcism.
i said i was a “bawler” not a “baller” – i meant that i cry a lot
Life lesson: do not tile your kitchen floor the same colour as a Cheerio
BREAKING: Girls go to college to get more knowledge. Boys go to Jupiter to get more stupider. Boys killed instantly by lack of oxygen.
Snow is magical. It turns 6 parking spaces into 4.75 parking spaces.
You can tell a lot about a person by their avi.
For instance if they use an egg, they’re probably a chicken.
[varnishing an old rocker]
keith richards: what the hell man
My neighbor just walked by carrying some pots for planting & I said “Looks like you won the pottery lottery!” Now everyone is mad at me.
Occupational therapist: What is your favorite part of the newspaper?
Son: The end.
[at dog park]
ME: it’s ok, she’s friendly.
THEM: is, is that a crab?
ME: yep. She’s a purebred. Her name is Clawdrey Hepburn. She’s 2.
I shouted “the blue Subaru with an Obama sticker left its lights on!” at Mt. Bachelor and had the *entire* hill to myself for an hour
adulthood means having ice cream for dinner and regret for dessert
He took both kids grocery shopping by himself so I could “relax” so now I’m sitting here suspicious that he’s done something to piss me off.
Is it cheating to ask the Ouija board for Worlde answers?
Have manufacturers of picket fences ever gone on strike? Because the irony would be awesome.
Take your time, I’ll wait.
Watching horror movies has convinced me that answering a phone never ends well for anyone.
boss: i need u to reschedule our meeting to 10am
me: [reschedules meeting to 10am]
boss: [declines]
*walking into our new house*
ME: Whaddya say we christen our new home?
HER: *giggling* OK*later, flinging holy water*
ME: GET OUT GHOSTS
Yesterday I took my first grade class to meet our new librarian. After leaving, one 6yo asked me if the old librarian left because she wanted to read different books.
my fav brides on Say Yes To The Dress are the ones who come in wanting a specific dress but don’t call ahead to see if it’s in stock and are like sooo shocked it’s not there. Baby!!! it’s your wedding dress!!! I’ve called bakeries to make sure they have a cinnamon roll in stock
[pet store]
me: are the birds expensive?
employee: they’re going cheap
me: I know how they work
I’m at the point in my marriage where I can’t tell if my husband is reaching towards my face to caress it or to remove crumbs from the side of my mouth.
Joined our neighborhood watch program. There’s 30 of us though so I only get to wear it like 1 day a month. 🙁
Me: *Buys nutribullet* will this baby take down a vegan?
Cashier: No, it’s not an actual bu…
Me: *loads nutrigun*
Cashier: What the heck?
Me: I need the other guy
Him: I’m the head surgeon
Me: [with a broken foot] exactly
The first snow has arrived and now we will see how many don’t know how to drive
Had to use my safe word halfway through my performance evaluation.
[Someone is rude to me]
ME: “Oh well.”[Someone is rude to my friend]
ME: *frantically googling for spells that turn people into crabs*
*makes airplane noise*
*swings arm around*
*slides chapstick across your chapped lips*