@justaride: I accidentally answered the phone with my last name and got promoted to homicide detective
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@Jayson_Two_time: Pro Tip for the ladies. Ask him to show you where the "jack thingy" is at in the trunk and when he shows you.. That's when you push him in.
@ojedge: [on a first date] "Have [gestures across the whole menu] whatever you want. I hear the McRib is particularly excellent this time of year."
@KeetPotato: [friend asks me to read an article] brain: "am i taking too long? im not even reading it now. oh god" me: [hands it back] "very interesting"