@justaride: I accidentally answered the phone with my last name and got promoted to homicide detective
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@JohnLyonTweets: I said goodbye to everyone at a party and then mistakenly walked into a closet and was too embarrassed to walk back out so I live here now.
@sanjanaa: Dude yapping nonstop at the gym just said he works out in the afternoons to avoid people who talk. Is it okay to fling a dumbbell at him?
@truegritrumble: Apparently, I have to go to the pet store because my wife is angry that I put the wrong gold fish in my kid's packed lunch.