I accidentally caught my nuts in a barbed wire fence and now I’m the frontman of a Maroon 5 cover band.
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Can’t wait for Game of Thrones to come back because I miss civilized political discourse.
(My kid looking over my shoulder as I sign an email.)
Kid: You’re not a Dr!
Me: YES I AM! What do you think I was studying for all the time when you were little?
Kid: Oh, I thought you just liked reading books and crying.
Every time you hire a clown for a kid’s birthday party, a therapist gets a new car.
Here’s a meme
I accidentally stepped on my cat’s tail the other day. You could cut the levels of tension, hurt and mistrust with a knife. I feared for my life. Feline retaliation was nigh. That night she threw up on my bed. Balance was once again achieved.
[3 AM]
Me: Why are any of us here, really?
Zoo security guard: I’m asking about you, specifically.
You should trust your gut but you should not listen to your anxiety. Good luck
Me: *takes her shirt off & sees a padded bra* whoa
Her: I’m so sorry, are you upset?
M: *pulls a salami out of my shorts* let’s call it even
[3am]
no one:
not a soul:
my dog: *wonder if I can break the world record for how loud I lick myself
Friggin’ narcs ruin everything
*patting my infant son on the back*
you can fit a whole airplane in this baby
The keys to a successful marriage include separate bank accounts, separate bathrooms, and separate Netflix profiles
When you’re here for the treats.
Me: big date tonight. Any advice?
Pal: just be yourself! Pay her a compliment, ask her a question, talk about your interests…[Later]
Me: Hello. I like your teeth. What’s the capital of Venezuela? I enjoy food
word gets around the prison that i’ve been digging a tunnel. one night they follow me down and find me in my ball pit. they don’t seem to understand freedom
Kudos to NPH for keeping it brief. #Oscars
Judge: How do you plead?
Me: Well, I can’t speak for the defendant—
J: Of course you can, you’re his attorney
M: Oh what fun! In that case, he’s clearly guilty as hell!
Putting sunscreen on kids feels like cardio
12 *randomly*: Hey, Mama, can I make a twitter account?
Me: *choking on coffee & coughing* No
12: What age do I have to be to make an account on there?
Me: 98
And for my next trick, I’m going to make this first date the last date.
wife: go see if the baby sleeping
*walks into baby’s room*
baby: corporations exploit our
insecurities for profitme: no babe she woke af
Friend: “Any plans this weekend?”
Me: “I’m going to Alcoholics Unanimous.”
Friend: “I think you mean ‘Anonymous’.”
Me: “Nope.”
okay, i admit it. you’re wrong.
*Ancient Egypt*
Me: My abacus won’t work
IT: Hit giant eye + guy holding snakes + big ass bird
Me: Nothing
IT: Okay, reset *shuffles abacus*
Nothing works harder than my sports bra when I’m chasing the ice cream truck.
If you’re trying to lose weight but you’re starving, eat a banana. I’ve had 73 of them today
According to Verizon, the cable guy should be here sometime between 10:00 a.m. and the return of Christ.
My husband was out with a friend of ours and texted me that he had crazy news about him, then wouldn’t text me the news and said it had to be told in person, so I had no choice but to file for divorce.
A horse walks into a bar & the bartender says, “why the long face?” & the horse says, “why the English Lit degree?”