I accidentally dropped one of my husband’s Viagra into my contact solution and now I’m cockeyed.
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*holds up bread* this is my body
*holds up wine* this is my blood
*holds up fire* and this is my mixtape
When my son handed me my wallet I realized something important.
He’s a pickpocket.
[hosting a kids show]
ME: ok everybody, what time is it?? say it loud!!
KIDS: OWL! TOUCHING! TIME!
[camera zooms in on a startled barn owl]
I’m going to buy a house near the St. Louis Airport and paint “Welcome to chicago” on my roof to confuse people who are about to land.
Today was so terrible, I thought
Steven Seagal was in it.
I can never tell if a woman’s smiling at me because she’s interested or if it’s just my hot dog costume
So, wearing fur is wrong but wearing a Hawaiian shirt is OK? Do they even know how many Hawaiians had to die to make that shirt?
oh you like online scams? name all the numbers on your credit card
[creation of bats]
God: stretch out that mouse
prosecutor: why did you murder that man
me: i thought he was cake
prosecutor: you “thought” he was cake?
me:
prosecutor:
me: i hoped he was cake
The Genie granted me 1 wish and all I wanted was to be happy.
Now I live with 6 dwarves and work in a mine.
There should be a guy with a leaf blower to dry my hands in the washroom at Home Depot.
Relationship status: I just found a piece of chicken in my hair.
I ate it.
Then looked for more.
My 7 yr old son drew a picture of an old woman.
I asked him who it was & he replied
“She comes into my bedroom to kiss me goodnight”
A chill ran down my spine then I remembered my mum is staying with us & it’s probably her.
[phone rings]
“You’re gonna die in 7 days”[me, pantless in dark kitchen, lips to phone]
Can u make it 5
“I have limits.”
As I sit and sip glue from my coffee cup to hold myself together.
“This is wrong on sooo many levels” I say to my victims as I rob them at gun point on elevators.
Get your faces tattooed on each other, so if the wife ever says ‘you’re a joke’ you can say ‘the joke’s on you’ and disarm the situation.
They found Richard III’s skeleton in a parking lot. Time stamp on the ticket stub indicates he owes $8,432,773.
I’ve never been to hell, but I once forgot to buy batteries for my 6 year old son’s toys on Christmas morning.
1) Throw a ball of yarn into a fencing battle 2) Wait until the fight is over 3) Retrieve your fully-knitted sweater
Me: I don’t feel well
Mom: Did you eat the plastic fruit again, Gigi?
Me: No
Mom: …
Me: …
Mom: …
Me: *throws up plastic banana*
Doctor: I’m sorry, but it looks like you won’t be able to have sexual intercourse again.
Me: But I’ve only sprained my ankle.
It’s about time you stopped being a bystander and became a passerby.
[During a baby shower]
Me: Ooh I caught one
Wife: Put it down we can’t afford another
Me: I’m going for a walk
Wife: Huh! I thought you were going to make fried rice?
Me: Yes, but you said to cook that right, I’ll need to use a walk
Family: You never call anymore.
Me: I’m calling now?
Fam: Now’s not a good time.
Me: When should I call?
Fam: Anytime.
If Iron Man and the Man of Steel were to team up, they’d be powerful alloys.
My sister let me borrow her newborn baby so I could meet girls at the mall.
Worked great!
Also, If you’ve found my nephew Jake, lemme know
C’mon, dude. Man up and ask her if she likes me.