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I panicked when my car wasn’t in the driveway after walking home from the mechanic so my Mensa invitation should arrive any day now
The veggies I bought 3 weeks ago as I reach for another pudding
They say that blondes are dumb, but I’ve gotten a brunette to marry me too.
My sister bought glitter for the children, so now I’m trying to add her name to a terrorist watchlist.
This cop is parked illegally behind me with his lights on, I’m going to say something.
A mom sat down next to me at the park, smiled and asked, “Which one’s yours?”
I replied, “None of them… yet.”
I was going to delete that tweet with the typo but then I realized it was upsetting people.
I like to reassure my wife that even though I don’t have huge muscles she is always safe with me cause I’m a really loud screamer.
If horror movies have taught me anything it’s that you can build a house on an Indian burial ground & yet still be haunted by white people.
DM: hi I’m Emily and I live in your area 💋
Me: big whoop Emily I live here too
it’s weird to me when people say their heroes are writers, actors or directors when there are people who say “well, goodnight” and go to bed in the middle of parties they’re hosting
Inside you there are two Durans. Both are hungry like the wolf.
While everyone is busy complaining about their tweets being stolen & put on Facebook, I’ve quietly become the funniest person on MySpace!
Date: I’m totally into the Dad bod.
Me: *exhales for 3 straight minutes* That’s a relief. I’ve been sucking in since I picked you up.
Me want titty. Me don’t want to touch, me want to suck. You have titty? TWO TITTIES? OM NOM NOM NOM NOM NOM.
me: freedom implies the existence of freesub
subway: we said no
you need to be 737 maxxing. you need to have a few screws loose. you need to be dramatically throwing open doors to feel the fresh air outside. you need to be keeping yourself grounded. you need to be lighting yourself on fire occasionally just to feel something.
Hell is having a married couple tell you a story at the same time.
*looks up*
*looks down*
*looks up*
*looks down*
*turns blueprints over*“Shit.”
*writes ‘amount to something’ on bucket list*
*crosses it out*
*writes ‘mount something’*Yeah. That’s do-able.
“I think you’ll like her. She’s smart, funny, and a libra”
I’ve never met a libra
*is super disappointed when date isn’t a lion zebra mix*
they should remove the sex scenes from movies and then put them all into one big super sex scene movie they can show in theaters at the end of the year
Husband is watching a Hunger Games movie marathon with the kids.
Little does he know that while he’s at work all day, I LIVE the Hunger Games with these people. And it’s definitely a marathon.
WIFE: I want u to be more spontaneous
ME: ok
[later]
ME: *hides in closet with goalie mask on waiting for her to walk by*
This LSD may be taking a turn, but I think this pony rabbit is a piece of shit insurance salesman.
“Said no one ever.” -Said everyone on Twitter.
One of my favourite summer activities is to pretend I don’t know what a motorcycle is. It seems to sting worse because I’m a heavily tattooed blonde woman. I like to keep saying ‘it sounds like you’re describing a bicycle?’
Increasing the amount of high fives I give my boss each day until he quits his job
Friend: you should come over tonight. we’re watching ‘How to Train Your Dragon 2’
Me:
Friend:
Me: to what?
Friend:
I’m so white I once said “imma bounce” at a party and then hopped away like a bunny rabbit.