I accidentally inhaled some soap when I was washing my face and then I coughed and no bubbles came out. Cartoons are full of shit.
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When your chip basket is empty and your server’s busy.
*KNOCK KNOCK* OPEN UP ITS THE POLICE
“What do you want?”
YOU’RE UNDER ARRES-
“No.”
..NO??
“No, I don’t want to be.”
*whispers* Shit now what
Said to my girlfriend that she had changed my life more that she will ever know. She became overwhelmed with emotion. I didn’t have the heart to tell her it was because she showed me a shortcut on Microsoft Excel which I now use daily
At one point during our audit on Friday my hot boss called me “babe.” That means for the rest of you that your window of opportunity is closing…
NO…I don’t “make plans” because plans suggest INTENT…
…which is typically the distinction between second & first degree convictions.
[Ariel climbs Rapunzel’s hair with a dinglehopper between her teeth]
“There can only be one socially awkward Princess,” she vows savagely.
First date idea.
Pick your favorite pizza place, and send one to my house.
Paula Hawkins: What should I call my book about a girl on a train?
Publicist: Let’s call the guy who named the movie ‘Snakes On A Plane’.
flight attendant: sir, you can’t bring that cow manure on the plane
me: THIS IS BULLSHIT!
Taken 5: has anyone seen my doggie?
a badder mouse
WHAT DO WE WANT?
License and registration, please.
WHEN DO WE WANT IT?
Sir, please stop shouting and step out of the vehicle.
i’m almost fully convinced that the people who design jeans have never actually seen a human body
People laughed when I said I wanted to be a professional snooker player. They’re not laughing now because it was ages ago.
How long does Chewbacca take to shampoo his hair?
“You don’t have to try on every outfit on sale, you know”, my mum, clearly not knowing how a sale works.
If I had a crystal ball, I’d probably walk differently.
Catwoman’s full name is Catherine Woman.
My daughter saw a frog in the yard today so I won’t be leaving the house.
[Me as 911 Operator]
*phone rings*
I wait for it to stop ringing and text back “what’s up”
[interrogation]
What were u doing last nite?
I was killin my neighbour, Bert.
Louder for the tape?
[leans in]
Fillin in paperwork. Busy guy.
[surprising my bf at work]
Me: Hey you *wink*
Him: *stops putting out cheese samples* We’ve been over this, lady, either buy something or leave
I just weighed myself so I could then weigh the dog; so now we’re both depressed and comfort eating kibble.
My kids teach me something every day. Today my 1-year-old taught me how much plumbers cost per hour. Who flushes a potato?
Every time you make a typo
the errorists win.
Size doesn’t matter? Have you SEEN my coffee mugs?
me, too, girl. me, too.
Marriage: an institution where having to slightly adjust your mirrors every time you get in your car puts you in a homicidal rage.
A 6-year-old told me he likes my costume. I’m not wearing a costume 🙁
“Turtle Power” is not an appropriate response when HR asks you how you plan to meet your objectives this year. Apparently.