“wow this rap song is good I wonder who this is”
*waits literally 4 seconds*
“oh there look at that he said his name how convenient”
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Life was so barbaric in the olden days. Imagine hitting snooze on a rooster.
I was having a great Friday until I found out it was Thursday.
Twitter went from everyone pushing each other on mood swings to pushing each other off cliffs really fast.
You can’t scare me. You’re not my husband holding my credit card over the shredder.
I gave this homeless guy $5 and an old lady behind me told me he’s just going to use it for drugs, so I confronted him and asked where I could also get drugs for $5
Me on FB: All kids home for summer break! My heart is full!
My reality: STOP ARGUING! YOU NEED TO GET A JOB! DO YOUR OWN LAUNDRY! WHO TOOK MY PHONE CHARGER?
Overheard at the pool:
Grandma: what do you want the baby to be? a brother or sister?
*long pause*
3 year old: a cat
If your wife says “what would you do without me?”
“Live happily ever after” is NOT the correct answer.Brrrr it’s cold in this doghouse 🙁
Hell hath no fury like a toddler who asked for oatmeal and you have the audacity to give them oatmeal.
My tall sister took the vodka out of the cupboards above the fridge.
I always thought those doors were just there for decoration.
Dad: Thanks for cleaning your room Emily. Unlike certain other children of mine, who will remain nameless.
Son: *eyes welling up* Please give me a name, I’m 17
Just heard we’re under a “heat advisory.”
Brought to you by the same people who advise us not to drive during an ice storm or hold fireworks when they explode.
Zodiac Killer origin story where he’s bullied by an astrologist
Me: Do you like my jeans?
Her: They’d look better on my floor 😉
Me: *laying down on the floor fully dressed* OK…so now?
Her: ….
If your job is so “essential” that you can’t get off for a killer global pandemic, you deserve $15 an hour and a union.
Remember that time you were reluctant to test my latest invention “amnesia pills” but did anyway?
“No”
excellent.
GOOGLE: *please create password*
ME: *Giraffe_Neck*
GOOGLE: *password is too long*
ME: *The_Revenant*
GOOGLE: *password is too long*
ME: *CVS_receipt*
GOOGLE: *dude*
How many calories does an audible sigh burn? Because I don’t think my Apple Watch is giving me credit for them.
choose your fighter(holiday edition)
selfie game
Whoever designated mini cupcakes as “two-bite” has greatly underestimated my #cupcake eating abilities.
The Razzi family had more family photographs than any other family.
All thanks to the dad.
Papa Razzi.
Goodnight everyone
favorite childhood memories?
~not paying bills.
Yet another “No DMs” bio. All this civil rights progress but bigotry against Dungeon Masters is still tolerated.
(pointing at TV) That’s Homer, he’s sort of the ringleader. The hierarchy is actually not super clear but it seems like he and the woman grew the smaller ones somehow
You can tell a lot about a person by how many pet possums they have.
It’s 450 BC. Socrates is doing a keg stand at a philosopher frat party. Gets the nickname SoCRAYtes. Nobody takes him seriously ever again.
DATE: In my room when I was younger [smiles] I used to sing with a hairbrush
ME [spits out drink] I never even knew hairbrushes could sing
I put out peanuts for the birds every morning and they have started bringing me elastic bands. I don’t speak bird, what could this mean, and do I have to eat the elastic bands now?
My favorite Tacobell menu item is the cheesy *checks google translate* little chubby girl crunch