@YourAnMoron: I accidentally just laughed at something my 4-year-old did so now I have to pretend to laugh as she does it forty thousand more times.
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@LauraBenanti: I JUST SAW A MAN KICK A RAT WHAT IS HAPPENING WHAT DID THAT RAT EVER DO TO YOU SIR FOR ALL YOU KNOW HE COULD BE AN AMAZING CHEF IN PARIS
@korryduke: Do you smell smoke? I always say that when I fart. It makes people take a deep breath.
@TheMichaelRock: Foreigner: I wanna know what love is.. Me: It's a feeling you get when.. Foreigner: I want you to show me.. Me: Ok, like wow. We just met
@KeetPotato: [a giant killer salmon is attacking the city] cop: [throws smoke bomb] me: "all you've done is make him extra delicious you idiot"