@YourAnMoron: I accidentally just laughed at something my 4-year-old did so now I have to pretend to laugh as she does it forty thousand more times.
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@better_off_dad: God: I made a rainbow! Devil: I'm making all the fire alarm batteries die in the middle of the night.
@JediGigi: Me: Nice biker jacket. You ride? Him: No Me: So you're a liar? Him: Me: Him: Nice yoga pants Me: That jacket looks so awesome on you!
@TheSweetestD_: The only difference between a psychiatrist and a drug dealer is that the drug dealer doesn't make you wait an hour.
@TheWoodenslurpy: If a woman asks if she looks fat, it’s not enough to say “no.” You must also act very surprised by the question. Jump backwards if necessary