GF says my bike helmet looks ridiculous, but I’d rather be “uncool” than fall and crack my head open in the middle of having sex.
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How normal people flirt…”Hey Sexy*
How I flirt …If you were a tree you’d be a great tree
(Date)
ME: Watch this *ties cherry stem with tongue*
HER: *giggles*
1-UP WALLY: *places Rubik’s cube in mouth and pulls it out solved*
Who called it a foot falling asleep and not coma toes?
Secretly the cops in Gotham City must be like “Seriously, Batman, if you want to use guns, none of us mind. We’re all cool with it”.
It’s not just sex, I’d love to get to know you better. For example, tell me how you’d like to go home, bus or taxi?
As a kid I wanted a Jetsons like future, but now I get emails from my vacuum cleaner so be careful what you wish for.
4: Is the Easter Bunny still coming to our house?
10: Oh I saw on the news he got Coronavirus and Easter is cancelled
Me: (forgot to get Easter eggs) Yup, it’s true
Honk if you love Jesus. Text while driving if you’d like to meet Him.
My resume reads like an oddly formatted apology letter
Today I saw a kid being pushed around in the shopping cart while eating a snack and watching a movie on an iPad. It’s tough to see others living out your dreams.
Woman in bar *winks at me* wanna go back to your place?
Me: hell yeah![Later]
Me *alone at home* hang on
They said if gay marriage became legal, people would start marrying dogs and cats, but I guess that was just another bs political promise.
the UK fascinates me because what sort of place can’t commit to a Prime Minister for three months but remains committed to the idea that fried blood sausage is an acceptable breakfast item for 600 years
This morning in my local coffee shop.
Customer: “A large mug with four shots of espresso and the rest filled with milk, please.”
Barista: “Are you sure? That’s a latte coffee!”
#EspressoDay #WednesdayThought #RubbishJokes
If you eat enough hershey kisses, you can reform the wrappers into a kiss and replace it in the bowl. This is less funny if you live alone.
Calling me stupid is uncool unless you are my parents. They earned it.
[at grocery store]
Son: Why is this peach fuzzy?
Me: That’s nothing. You should’ve seen them in the 70s
I’m finally getting the professional help I need for my origami addiction.
I’ll let you know how it all unfolds.
Backstreet Boys: everybody, rock your body
Dwayne Johnson: i got this
Condiments that would be cute baby names:
Dijon
Sriracha
Cholula
Caesar
Aioli
Wasabi
Tabasco (Tabby for short)
Honey Mustard
ME: *telling a joke*
SARA: haha
SARAH: hahah
sisqo: [filing a missing persons’ report] she had dumps like a truck
cop: i keep telling you, i don’t know what that means
Five second rule? Pfft. What’s the point of having an immune system if you’re not going to use it?
If I ever had a wedding I would give certain guests a “-1” where they get to pick another guest and disinvite them
Pulled off my t-shirt too fast and made my glasses disappear. I’m now available for bookings.
Sorry I jumped out from behind the Doritos display at Kroger and started choking you, I’m new to all this roleplay stuff.
Don’t get mad. Get odd. Like incredibly odd. Show up in a clown suit to their work. Draw potatoes on all their mirrors. Make them be afraid.
I could never kill someone…
Not one of my knives cuts properly. Not even to cut an onion.
Why don’t people who are good at tarot cards just switch to blackjack?
The big twist in GODZILLA VS KONG is they both find out their mother’s name is Mothra