I accidentally said HAIL SANTA instead of HAIL SATAN at satanic church today and now everyone is laughing at me and they took away my robes.
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[after 47 minutes of listening]
okay usually when someone says “what is wrong with me” it’s rhetorical but thanks for the feedback
i have faced more peer pressure to drink oat milk than to do drugs
If the whole world smoked a joint at the same time, There would be world peace for at least two hours. Followed by a global food shortage..
if you mash a potato and then change your mind, just mail me the mashed potato and i will un-mash it and send it back
Me: *sneaking to the kitchen for a late night snack*
Hardwood floors: ALLOW ME TO SING YOU THE SONG OF MY PEOPLE
“I have toddler-like reflexes.”
“Don’t you mean cat-like–?”
*laughs, cries, falls on face, eats Cheerio off the floor*
“No.”
[Catching wife in the bedroom with my best friend]
Wife: PUT ME DOWN YOU IDIOTS
The brake is on the left, the gas peddle is on the right, & the liquor store is 4 miles ahead.
-Me teaching my 3yr old niece how to drive
him: I think we should see other people
me: is that on hulu or netflix
It’s not a good date unless it ends with you slowly walking off into the ocean like Godzilla.
(Bedtime)
Me: You know you can ask me anything, sweetie- it’s what I’m here for.
9: Why are arms the only body parts that got a pit?
Me: …. Just go to sleep.
Star Trek was my favorite show as a kid because I liked to fantasize about getting beamed off this planet.
It’s my favorite show now for the same reason.
I work out by ordering a small drink at Burger King, then get up 100 times to refill it.
*Job interview*
“Im gonna need you to pee in this cup”
*hands boss full cup*
“Let’s start the interview”
*boss just sips it the whole time*
My 8yo wants to make her tween sister’s birthday cake. My tween is mad because she wants to make her own cake. I suggested she have 2 birthday cakes and now everyone is upset.
Apparently the solution to all life’s problems is not more cake.
Overhead my kids arguing about what color is the “tastiest” for a banana to be eaten. One said yellow with brown spot and the other said green.
First of all, this just proves that kids can fight about anything and secondly, both of them are wrong… It’s yellow.
Her: I feel a special connection between you and I.
Me: I think you mean between you and me.
Her: I don’t mean either now.
Twitter’s fun because everyone’s really cynical and snide about everything except *checks hand* … wrestling? that can’t be right
Woman: it’s legal to breastfeed my son in public
Cop: not while he’s driving
Listen, I hate you…
I’m just not… IN hate with you.
Me refusing to admit that my favourite shirt is a bit too tight now
My washer broke so if anybody needs me I’ll be down by the river beating my underwear with a rock.
The egg whites carton in my fridge looked like the creamer carton and now I have omelette coffee.
Helvetica is my favorite font that sounds like a heavy metal band
It’s bullshit that my dog is a licensed therapy dog and he can’t prescribe medication
ME: Ha ha bro why is your wife named Purse Phone?
HADES: That isnt… thats not how you say it
My favorite sex position? Boy there’s so many to choose from. Ha Ha. *starts sweating* I’d have to pick, um, reverse…shortstop? I gotta go
I really want to have ice cream but am too lazy to get it from the freezer.
~Late night couch potato dilemma
Judge: I’m disappointed to see you back in my courtroom.
Defendant: I’m disappointed to see you back in my courtroom.
J: Stop that.
D: Stop that.– repeat offenders