@sexypitabread: I accidentally said "pastryarchy" instead of "patriarchy" and now I have a vision for a better world
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@NOTVIKING: “always save your grocery bags,” my parents told me. “you never know when you might need them.” i now have thousands of bags. it is an ever-growing mass that cannot be stopped. at this point i don’t have any room for food so i must eat the bags. they become angry.
@Cryborg2000: [calling my cousin while babysitting his kids] yo the one with the ski mask and the knife is refusing to go to bed
@TheBeerGuy73: The only time that my wife screams my name in bed is when I break wind in my sleep.