I accidentally said “pastryarchy” instead of “patriarchy” and now I have a vision for a better world
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If you’re happy and you know it… wash your hands.
Me: people never seem to remember meeting me.
Therapist: it’s amazing how the brain deals with trauma.
I’m not sure what’s more distressing:
Someone had the idea to invent a 72 hour deodorant.
Or that there’s a market for 72 hour deodorant.
The Roomba is broken and now my wife expects me to fix it like she married Inspector Gadget or something.
Doesn’t matter who you are, when that moment comes for you to drop your child off at overnight camp, you will experience that same emotional reaction that all parents have in that moment:
Realizing there’s one goddamn thing on their list you forgot to pack.
How to stop Facebook Live and Marketplace notifications:
1) Open Facebook app
2) Go to Settings
3) Throw your phone into a river
The real monsters are the people who hand you money with the bills not all facing in the same direction.
*cracks neck*
*grabs bat*
*finishes juice box*
Ok. I’m in.
There are two owls inside you. You are going to nail this interview at Hooters.
If I had a bodyguard, I’m pretty sure he’d just spend most of his time sighing and saying “Don’t eat that…”
Jesus: *holding bread*
This is my body.
*holding wine*
This is my blood.
*holding a meeting* This could have been an email.
How many light bulbs does it take to fix a person?
Dermatologist asked why I want my tattoo removed and looked at me like no one’s ever said “because it’s my ex’s Twitter handle” before.
me: *waking up* who’s there
monster under bed: hi
me: *shaking* omg you’re real
monster under bed: but i won’t hurt you
me: oh
monster under bed: just give me all your halloween candy
me: dad?
monster under bed *taking off mask to reveal my dad*: dad tax
If I had ten cookies and you took one,what would you have?
That’s correct.
A black eye and broken hand.
If a huge beast told me not to go in one hallway of his extremely haunted house I’d be like “that sounds right” and never go there. But no one wants to sing about that. No candles want to sing about common sense.
Sharks don’t like the taste of human flesh, which must mean they are drama queens who only eat people for attention.
Apparently, I just ate 39 servings of Tic – Tacs.
if you stab somebody “over a chicken sandwich” you were destined to stab somebody over something, someday. on this day, the wheel of fortune just happened to land on delicious chicken. don’t blame the chicken, baby.
I’m developing an app that makes a cricket sound effect at the end of my coworkers’ stories.
If you go to Hell for laughing during prayer, my family will burn for eternity.
Before Facebook existed cavemen bragged about their kids by drawing on the rocks
The closest I am to my hunter-gatherer ancestors is when I am gutting an Amazon package.
So I adopted a bunny today ❤ everyone meet Mr. Whiskers.
I’m not a regular Mom.
I’m a “YOU BETTER DIE IN YOUR VIDEO GAME BECAUSE DINNER IS READY IN 5 MINUTES!” Mom.
Hey…quick question, fellas:
Does it still count as leg day if you just shaved them?
therapist: next time someone ghosts you what are you going to do?
me: [singing] who you gonna call? ghostbusters
therapist: get out
I grew up during the time when every home had a sewing machine but no one knew how to use it or where it came from.