” I gotta see this guys best tweet,
I’ll gift him Favstar Pro”.Said no one ever.
You Might Also Like
Anyone know a Minecraft interpreter? I don’t understand my son’s Christmas list.
[talking to my son]
Please call me Steve, father was my father’s name
Someone was bragging on Facebook last night about managing to get into a store *after* official closing time to finish some Christmas shopping, and called it a “Christmas miracle,” and idk what the exact criteria is for getting visited by three ghosts on Christmas Eve but
16: ‘We should put a flat screen on the wall!’
Wife: ‘I really don’t like mounting things.’
Me: *mumbles ‘No shit.’
W: ‘What was that??’
Bread pudding is not a dessert. it is just wet bread. do not fall for this scam. Resist.
[news anchor]
“New study shows that sex can lower blood pressure.”
Me: Did-
Wife: Your blood pressure is fine
[at job interview]
It says here that you are very hands on.
Yes, sir, I am.
Can you give me an example of this?
*gently caresses his face*
Creepy Singles in your area want to sniff your panties and drink your bath water
Murder is legal if it happens after a morning person says “WELL WELL WELLLLLL LOOK WHO FINALLY GOT UP”
My son said, “If you had to lose one sense, what would it be?” Without missing a beat, my daughter said taste. Which would have been fine had we not been eating the dinner that I made.
Cartoon orange juice is just pulp fiction
[chef interview]
BOSS: Are you familiar with kitchen jargon
ME: Yeah, that means you’re missing a jar
*trying to awkwardly start a conversation with my barber* I ALSO like scissors.
Guy – “Hey are you famous?”
Me – “No.”
Guy – “Oh you look like this comedian.”
Me – “I don’t speak English.”
Guy – “Oh! Where are you from?”
Me – “The Ukraine.”
Guy – “My father is Ukrainian.”
Me – “Oh, then I’m from Spain.”
Me, 19 at my first real corporate job: this is awesome. Why is everyone so grumpy??
me, 17 yrs later at same company: I swear to everything Carol if you “reply to all” one more damn time I will rip your face off and use it as a mask!!!!!
4yo: When you’re 9, you can drive
Me: Pretty sure you have to be older
4yo: Some people can drive at 9
Me: A little older
4yo: Ya, it’s 9
FUN FACT: Your landlord can’t tell you “no pets allowed” if your pet is large enough to eat them.
*school reunion*
Guy: Reporter is cool I spose. I became a doctor so I could actually help people ya know
Clark Kent: *fist clenched* mmm hm
Him: tell me about your longest relationship
Me: *thinking furiously* does Windows 95 count?
i love having one cat who is an incredibly beautiful tragic princèss and one cat who is just like WGGLLBBYLAAAHHH
Manslaughter. The sound of a man laughing?
So we were deep in conversation about the state of political affairs, when the dog mentioned I might have taken too much cough syrup. Touché
Considering you can be anything you want on the internet,
it’s amazing how many choose to be stupid.
In bed a woman called me daddy so I called her son
shout out to my student loans for being the only one from college keeping in touch
Me: Wine isn’t on the food pyramid.
My wife: It’s the moat around it.
Me: *getting too close to smell a candle* This one smells like burnt hair. Weird choice.
Every mealtime I put a table mat under 9’s plate to catch the crumbs so they don’t go on the floor and at the end of every mealtime he sweeps the crumbs off the mat onto the floor. I think he’s faulty and would like a refund